Going through the archives.

You will be judged on every word you say.

I was up too late last night going through my blog archives.  Looking for an entry I felt might be good enough to re-post, thus saving me the time of posting something new for today.  It was an interesting excursion - kind of scary too.  For four years I've written something virtually every day - that often meant I was online reading other stories, other blogs, and commenting, and then writing something of my own!  Forget about being judged on every word I uttered, how will I justify the time spent on the internet?  Non-productive time - just like a non-nutritive drink of Diet-Coke - pure self-indulgence.  But I digress.

The first thing I noted is the vast output of writing I've got 'out there' and I'm not even a writer.  I was embarrassed by quite a few of my posts, while many others that were intended to be humorous were still able to make me laugh out loud.  My old posts were a lot funnier than today.  I think I've become much more serious about things, and much less hostile, if you will.  Although on some of the posts where I recall feeling 'snarky' the writing came off rather civil - only the very sensitive could have taken offense.  Of course, gay people tend to be very sensitive - which is why I rarely ever write on the subject.  (See, now that's funny!)

I came across my 'disgruntled' employee posts as well - the really bad ones I deleted long ago - but a few slipped by.  There is nothing more telling about a person than their disgruntled employee defenses.  I quit my job because I was unhappy in it - I blamed the employer for my own unhappiness.  You see how nuts that is?  When I hear or read similar stories now - and know a little bit about the writer's character - I recognize the same symptoms.  I think people go from job to job, profession to profession, until they 'get it'.  Some of us have to learn the hard way that we are usually our own worst enemy.  It works the same with relationships.  Can't keep a girlfriend - it's you buddy - not her. 

Anyway, one positive discovery, at least I have been consistent - especially in reflecting upon the blogosphere and the 'craft' of writing a blog - it's a craft, not an art - I'm always examining it.  I realized that I - and I think most personal blogs do so as well - write about many of the same issues over and over and over.  (Typical narcissist behavior - oh lighten up - we are all lovers of self.)  Of course, if one usually comments on hot social issues of the day, which keep popping up anyway, naturally one's posts can become rather monotonous restatements of one's bias regarding the issues.  Especially as in the case of ranters - although their posts come off much in the same way as those insane radio sound-bites advertising some talk-show host do - negative, negative, negative.

I think I've softened my tone quite a bit however.  Social networking has been a good learning experience in that it really opened my eyes to the fact that most of us are pretty screwed up - some people just seem to manage better.  As the poet says, no man is an island - especially now days.
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"I cannot discover God in myself and myself in Him unless I have the courage to face myself exactly as I am, with all my limitations, and to accept others as they are, with all their limitations." - Thomas Merton, No Man Is An Island.
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Art:  George Tooker