"Everyone can master a grief but he that has it." - Much Ado About Nothing
I keep thinking of ending the blog - which almost seems I have, as well as getting off social media entirely. I would be a better hermit for it, I imagine.
This past year I've written too much about grief and regret and sorrow - and I always end up removing the posts, especially if they are too sentimental. I don't know how to do this, if you will.
Memorial Day weekend.
Two years ago - it seems longer than that - Darold had his first stroke. Typically, he insisted it was nothing, refused to go to the ER. Until the following Tuesday after Memorial Day. He had very little damage, thank God. Afterwards however, the early signs of dementia worsened - but it was on and off - and his personality was very sweet. In retrospect, I came to understand the dementia preceded the stroke, and was only exacerbated by the trauma. I wish I could do it all over again - caring for him, and this time, do it better. The only time I've known love is when I've exercised it in caring for another. We both learned that many years ago as we cared for his mom and dad.
Acquaintances online may think I 'could have gone to purple by now' - as Vera asked about Auntie Mame - but it doesn't work like that. Keeping my thought's secret, as Bertram's mother advised, is wise advice, I suppose. Advice I shall try to honor.
If I say, “Let the darkness hide me and the light around me be night,”
even darkness is not dark to you,
the night shall be as bright as day, and darkness the same as the light.
I think my main purpose of sharing my thoughts has been to reveal what disinterested friendship, love between friends, can be. When self-control and serving other(s) for the love of God and neighbor, in fidelity to one's state in life - chastely and celibately - it is a means to sanctity. Yet it seems futile to try and convince anyone of that, and completely unnecessary, since it is God who knows my heart and knows my thoughts - and that is enough.
This coming month, the last cycle of Gregorian Masses for Darold will be celebrated in Poland, at Our Lady's shrine, closing out the year of mourning and prayer for the repose of his soul. I should try to do a mini-Lent, while trying to keep my friend under my own life's key.