Thursday, June 20, 2013

"The gay men's version of a lifelong commitment doesn't necessarily include forsaking all others."

Gay marriage is not marriage.

If you keep calling it marriage, people begin to believe it is the same thing as heterosexual /natural marriage.  It is not.  Which is why I say two gay men can live together as life long friends and companions and do so chastely and celibately - celibate understood as unmarried.  I say that because sexual interest wanes.  But that's another post - one I've done before, just like this one:  I've said it all before.  I'm not a 'professional' however, so my opinion does not count.

Which is why I'm posting an excerpt/lead-in to Steven Thrasher's account The Truth of Gay Marriage.
If heterosexuals knew about how some gay men conduct open relationships, “I suspect, men will envy us.”
Any day now, possibly as soon as tomorrow, the Supreme Court of the United States will rule on whether or not access to civil marriage is the law of the land for any adult couple, gay or straight. If they do rule in favor of marriage equality, they can hardly be charged with being "activist judges," out of step with the average Joe. Instead, they'll be hurrying to catch up with a change in American perceptions on same-sex marriage that has been staggering. 
In the fight for marriage rights, gay activists have (smartly) put forward couples who embody a familiar form of unity. Straight people see Edith Windsor, the octogenarian lesbian widow fighting the Defense of Marriage Act, and they see a life that mirrors their own. The $300,000 tax bill she was slapped with when her wife died is an obvious injustice. 
But not all gay unions are built on the straight model, particularly when it comes to the issue of monogamy. The Gay Couples Study out of San Francisco State University—which, in following over 500 gay couples over many years is the largest on-going study of its kind—has found that about half of all couples have sex with someone other than their partner, with their partner knowing.  
Gay-rights groups are often nervous about sociologists or reporters looking too closely at what really happens in the bedrooms of gay relationships, out of fear that anti-gay activists will bludgeon them with a charge of sexual promiscuity, as a reason to deny them equal rights. But now that gays and lesbians are on the cusp of having access to marriage equality, will the conversation about monogamy change within queer culture? And would straight support have helped gays get the marriage rights they now have if the truly complex nature of sexual boundaries for gay couples were more openly talked about?
On the eve of this new era, I talked to a number of married gays and lesbians about these sometimes uncomfortable questions: a former Catholic priest from Connecticut who married his partner of three decades; a gay marriage and divorce attorney from Massachusetts; a highly religious, sexually monogamous couple in their thirties; two dads of infant children who are in a sexually open relationship; and a leading lesbian marriage equality advocate. - Finish reading here.

The above was written by a gay man who may or may not marry someday.  He would disagree with my assessment that same sex marriage is not, and cannot be equal to natural marriage, even if and when it becomes legal.  In fact, most gay people disagree with me.  I contend that redefining marriage to suit same sex couples, undermines and destroys traditional marriage.

Nevertheless, I actually do believe long-time companions have a great opportunity to come into the Church and embrace Church teaching on sexuality - as friends, helping one another to live chaste and celibate lives.  Mutual sexual interest is usually unsustainable without some sort of outside stimulus, and/or viagra.  Two same sex friends who would see that as an opportunity, still can't call their friendship marriage, but as they grow in grace, they will better understand why. 

I'm not posting this for a guy in his early 20's who is feeling his 'oats'.  I'm not writing this for people who have no time for religion or legal prohibitions against gay marriage and are determined to do what they want.  I'm writing this for anyone who desires to repent, return to the sacraments and grow in holiness, while helping his best friend to do the same.  Divorced and remarried couples face a similar dilemma and can do likewise.

If you are a gay man and you think you are married and believe you are both monogamous, that's just fine.  This post is not for you.

H/T Pewsitters - the best source for Catholic news online.

Gay Pride month is almost over!


  1. "Pewsitters - the best source for Catholic news online." long as the sum total of what one thinks the Catholic faith *is* is social issues.


  2. Terry,

    Hey, I resemble that remark!

    I know you have no interest in reading anything from me but I have to open my big internet mouth and respond. Your argument is that gay marriage can't be marriage because those nasty pervs are all out there getting their groove on outside their relationship. Well if that is your argument that invalidates a great many heterosexual marriages. Your also doing what the writer you quoted accuses the gay marriage movement of doing, cherry picking, only this time you are picking out the opposite end of the spectrum, promiscuous gays. But going back to my thought, there are a hell of a lot of cheating, open relationships and swinging going on in the straight married community..that does not invalidate marriage for straight people, why should it gay people? And really, San Francisco State University has a study cited to support this? Why not just ask the University of Sodom and Gomarrah for their take on it, I am sure it would be as skewed. There are a great many solid, gay relationships right out here in good old Middle Of Americaville, just as there are in SF, New York, L.A. everywhere that don't get the press (cause were boring.) Is that to say that realistically monogamy isnt harder in gay then in straight? Absolutely not, for one thing you are dealing with two men (I dont think lesbians have the same issuse hence why they are never referred to when citing the gays are all sex fiends trope) who have male sex drives, that is a reality. Gay relationships also dont have the familial and community support that straight people have in keeping their marriage strong and if one of the other cheats, keeping the marriage together. But that doesnt mean that monogamy isnt the goal, for gays who want to be married just like straights.

    So sorry, I know you werent interested in my response, I just hate this, "Oh look, those queers cant keep it in their pants, so they shouldnt be allowed to get married." thing. For every open relationship I can show you a cheating spouse or a swinging couple (AGGH, I know of one such couple and they totally skeeve me out but boy do they give lip service to the whole, married, responsible church goers thing.)

    1. Mack - I love that you comment. I'm not really trying to say that promiscuity or mutual consent to have an open relationship is why gay people can't get married. My objection to calling a gay relationship marriage is because marriage is exclusive to a man and a woman, typically open to the possibility of raising a family. The story I link to in my post simply supports what I have always said about gay relationships, which for me substantiates my POV that these relationships do not constitute marriage, while legal recognition as such, further erodes the definition of marriage.

      As for infidelity and open marriage in hetero marriages - that too is a sin. Infidelity doesn't invalidate a marriage - though it can be grounds for divorce. All that screws kids up too.

      As for heteros getting all the support they need to maintain a good marriage. Not true. Popular culture militates against marriage and family.

  3. Not to mention that if you ever wade into the muck of "Craigslist Personals," most of the posts there are from "straight," married guys (or so they say) looking for a little THANG to get them through the day! INVALIDATE their marriage...they can't be trusted!

  4. Interesting article -- odd how it highlights everything a Catholic marriage is supposed to be, isn't it?

    The concept of sacrificial love and complementarity are completely missing from anyone's notion of marriage in that article, including the ex-priest's.

    So...will marriage equality make gay people more conservative or allow straight people to be more openly liberal in their romantic dealings? We shall see, I suppose.

    Another little secret the marriage equality proponents don't discuss much is the incidence of domestic abuse among the gay community.

    I suspect lesbians are like the French. They do what they do and don't give a darn what anyone else thinks. Which is why no one ever includes them in their studies and whatnot. Smart cookies, those gals.

  5. *highlights by ommission, that is...

    1. I know zilch about lesbians. I can't even imagine it. LOL!

      But seriously - I have read about the domestic abuse - and you are correct - little is ever written about it.

  6. I appreciate your perspective, Mack!

    1. Thanks Michael, I just looked at your blog. Very nice to see like minded people trying to stay faithful to the Church despite their attitude towards you.


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