Courage

Art: Gonzalo Borondo

A reflection.

I never got the impression Courage Apostolate was about conversion therapy or anything like that.  My impression was and is, that it's about support for those who seek to lead a holy life in accord with Catholic teaching on sexuality and marriage.  Support, prayer, chaste friendship, and the sacraments to sustain the person.  Very simple.

I also think that looking for a cure, to have the inclination taken away should not be the focus.  I say that having gone through so many years of making that prayer, going so far as therapy for unwanted homosexual attraction.  I started at a Protestant therapy group, and it wasn't easy, since I am Catholic.  Long story short, it wasn't pleasant.

Next I went to another group which was ostensibly a sort of recovery group for sexual addiction.  I did it secretly, only one or two of my friends knew.  I did out-patient - paid for out of pocket, because I didn't want insurance or my employer to know.  (Several celebrities did in-patient in the same facility at the time.)  I found it helpful, it was there that I found out I was not to blame for early childhood abuse and sexualization.  I also understood that I had been 'raped' despite the fact I thought it was consensual.  (The therapist did not embed any false memories, as I have heard from others in similar situations.)  I left therapy when the therapist insisted my problem was being Roman Catholic and my attempt to live a chaste and celibate life in accord with Catholic teaching was complicating my life, and all I needed to do was accept my sexuality.

Fortunately, I soon found an excellent spiritual director at the time, whose background was psychology and mystical theology.



Lord grant me strength to endure this struggle.

It was a very creative time for me, nonetheless.  The fierce temptations, the struggle, the rising and falling was not only humbling, but in retrospect sanctifying, in so far I was at confession just about every three days or so, and spending hours before the Blessed Sacrament.

Recently, I've been pondering that closeness to Christ.  It seems to me when I became preoccupied, unsettled by temptation, I fell more easily.  I lost my peace, became anxious and as the temptation increased, sensuality overwhelmed me.  In retrospect, I realize my focus was skewed by my desire to be free of the sexual inclination - to be delivered from homosexuality.  I was sure that everything would be alright if that happened.  Now to some extent, I think I was convinced I was controlled by the inclination, that it was 'fixed' and that if I could 'get over it' I'd have an easier time of living chastely.

Fortitude.

So often my friends, therapists and a few confessors, told me I had to accept myself.  I had to accept my sexuality.  In good conscience I couldn't in the sense they encouraged me, which would mean living an openly gay life, including sexual acts.  However, that acceptance idea is not all that wrong - especially when outside influences sometimes insist that you are not 'born that way'.  I don't believe I was born that way, but I do know I'm frequently labeled and put into a category of person defined by sexual preference.  Most of you know what I'm saying.

Regardless, self-acceptance is indeed key.  Alcoholics admit they are alcoholic.  Gay/SSA people can admit it as well.  In real life they usually say 'gay'.  If they say they are not, that's fine, but the world doesn't believe that, and many, many religious people still hear 'gay' when someone says, 'SSA'.  That's not so bad though, since one can always boast that one is persecuted.  Don't complain though.

Not long ago, I came across some things I had underlined and noted long ago from the Saying of the Desert Fathers - which can and should speak for itself, although I wrote this long preface to help explain their significance in my experience.  I'll note them, and let the reader think about them.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Sayings of the Desert Fathers.

Ammonas said that for fourteen years in Scetis he had been asking God day and night to give him strength to control his temper.

They said of Sarah that for thirteen years she was fiercely attacked by the demon of lust.  She never prayed that the battle should leave her, but she only used to say, 'Lord, give me strength.'

Poeman said about John the Short that he asked the Lord to take away his passions. So his heart was at rest, and he went to a hermit and said, 'I find I am at peace now, with no war between flesh and spirit'.  The hermit said to him, 'Go and ask the Lord to stire up a new war in you.  Fighting is good for the soul.'  When the conflict revived in him, he no longer prayed for it to be taken away, but said, 'Lord grant me strength to endure this fight'.

Just a note.

What I am proposing is not to ask for temptations - let that alone.  Sometimes we can deceive ourselves, and passively entertain the temptations for the bit of sensual delight they can cause, even while praying the Lord to take them away.  Sometimes we fall because of that.  What I'm saying really is we need to pray for strength, for fortitude - that is courage - to endure and persevere.  "Lord, grant me strength to endure!"

And when you fail - go to confession.

One day the Lord will tell you, "I freed your shoulder from the burden ... you called in distress and I freed you."