Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The story of the First Thanksgiving...

Pilgrim woman wearing a fur abita.
Once upon a time...

It all began when Protestant religious fanatics were kicked out of England by the English Protestant 'Catholics'.  (Anglicans!)  The fanatics were much too strict for the gayer English who liked to be fashionably dressed, and so they kicked the frumpy bigots out of the country.  Today referred to as Puritans because of their tight, crisp white collars, they were put on ships and set sail for America.  Before embarking, they decided to call themselves "Pilgrims" since they were in search of a holy land.  It worked out well for them as they were able to ask for donations, claiming religious custom and tradition.

Blown off course, the "Pilgrims" landed at Iceland - which they mistook for Canada - they fled the cold icy island in horror.  Finally, they shipwrecked themselves at Plymouth Rock and were met by a delegation of Indians who told them to go back home.  The Americans - as they immediately claimed themselves to be - no longer immigrants or pilgrims, mind you,  killed the Indians and took their land and destroyed all of their colorful feathers and beads, although they took to marketing their tobacco.

One winter it got really cold and snowy and their cabins were washed out to sea in a freak hurricaine, but the Governor was helpless to do anything for the people.  The remaining Indians who ran the casino in the woods, felt sorry for them and brought them food and helped them rebuild their colonnial style houses, laying new sod with charming cobble stone sidewalks and picket fences.  After all the work was finished, the colonists killed the rest of the Indians who stuck around for dinner.

The colonists cooked and ate the turkeys the Indians had delivered, and made cigarettes from the  tobacco they left behind.  To cover up their crimes, the colonists decided they should probably set aside the last Thursday of November every year and give thanks to God, that way history could claim God gave them the land, and no one would ever know that they really stole the land from the pagan Indians - Native Americans, that is. 

There you have it.  BTW, since then, the new Americans would be identified by their W.A.S.P. ID -  Bank of America card and become known as White Anglo Saxon Protestants.  Oh!  Oh!  And last but not least:  Ever since that day, the Protestant holiday we call Thanksgiving has been manipulated to enrich WASPs and Freemasons alike.

This also may explain why so many secularized Americans flock to the Indian-run casinos on Thanksgiving.


  1. Whatever. My inch and a half rib eyes are awaiting the grill for Thanksgiving. Turkey? Dry and unremarkable.

    1. I love rib eye steak! Love, love, love it! Wish I was there. Happy Thanksgiving!

  2. "much too strict for the gayer English" - you kill me!

    Anyway, I also like the little Freemason add-on at the end. I'm sure TIA will approve:)

    Me, I love Thanksgiving - Louisianians have to love holidays that make such a big deal out of cooking. I do love being around family and eating good food though. And we sure as hell DO have a lot to be thankful for.

    Thanksgiving is Protestant - whatever, doesn't bother me all that much. However, I HATE Black Friday, which I see as more or less openly worshipping consumerism as god.

    1. Haha! Glad you liked my inclusiveness. I don't mind Thanksgiving at all - as long as the TV is off.

    2. I do like watching college football, but I don't like the pros.

  3. Thank you for sharing the most accurate version of the original Thanksgiving story. Is it true that one of the kids was given a Daisy Red Ryder BB Gun when leaving England and shot someone's eye out?

  4. LOL!...So the Indians invented the term "black Friday" to describe the heartless Pilgrims who started it all.

    Actually, the first Thanksgiving was in Virginia. It's no surprise that the Yankees up north claimed the first. They were a bunch of prevaricators from the start.

  5. Mary Ann, wasn't the first Thanksgiving in St. Augustine, FL, when the Spanish hosted an Indian tribe. Not only that, they had Mass, the true Thanksiving.


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