If a good man strikes or rebukes me, it is kindness.
I had a friend once, who no matter what he did, what he said, no matter how obvious his virtue and good works, I remained suspicious of him and his devotion. Mostly due to the fact he once revealed something about his temperament to a stranger - a person I had known and introduced to him. I found my friend's candor and familiarity out of place, thinking him imprudent and indiscreet. On account of that, my esteem for him suffered, which led me to suspect some defect in his character... Sadly, I misjudged him, when I had no reason to do so, and more accurately, I had no right to.
We had a falling out - for which I blame myself, on account of my presumption and indiscretion in calling him out about the incident. Gradually, we lost touch. I began to struggle with resentment - convinced that I had been the virtuous one. Resentment over our estrangement developed into envy... these are terrible sins which can cling to us despite our best efforts to rid ourselves of them. No sooner do we make a good confession and communion, or devote great effort in praying for our 'enemies', or willing our forgiveness, even going so far as to ask for pardon of the friend - we can fall back.
The blog in our own eye.
This is the mystery of the log in our own eye. We cling to the idea that somehow we have been wronged, or at least we were right all along, congratulating ourselves that we took the high road and took the blame for the entire misunderstanding. Yet envy raises its ugly head and our emotions can torment us once again - tempting us to believe our declaration of forgiveness, our profession of guilt, may not have been heeded sufficiently. Or another perspective of the incident suggests itself to our imagination, thus opening the old wound. Once again we feel our self tossed into that spiteful, piteous state we were so sure we had triumphed over. Yet "Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd..." pride, envy and spite: "Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble." The effects... a foretaste of hell...
Unless God deliver us. Unless God allows us to see... to understand. As in the scene shown in the clip I posted here from Song of Bernadette, where we witness the change of heart in Sr. Vauzous upon seeing evidence of Bernadette's holiness...
Former pride disappears when a man no longer finds in himself anything that might cause him to look down on others." - St. Edith Stein
I hope my friend can forgive me some day.
