Abstinence

Smoking.

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A year and a half ago, I quit smoking, after many years of quitting and restarting the habit. At times I quit for 2 years, other times just for 2 months. Once I quit for 6 years - that was the longest period of time. I prayed, made novenas, gave it up for Lent, but I always went back. The problem was that I always craved a cigarette. I eventually gave in, simply accepting the fact I was addicted, while striving to accept myself. That worked for awhile, but the culture changed, and smoking became a shameful thing, and the pressure was mounting to stop. I suppose the rebel in me resisted the discriminatory propaganda, insisting it was part of my persona... This is who I am. Well not really - I couldn't allow a behavior to define me.

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Nevertheless, deep down I sensed it was a bad. Slowly I began recognizing how unnatural it was for men and women to stand outside office buildings in -20 degree weather and smoke, shivering, yet gratifying their cravings. Almost as much as my non-smoking friends, I too disliked the stench of an overflowing ash tray, the ochre tinge to everything in my house and my car, and the odor that followed me everywhere. I felt shame as drivers yelled at me and called me names as I tossed spent cigarettes out of my car window. I was discriminated against, even by the Government, which is attempting to tax cigarette smokers into poverty. Powerless, I kept smoking - and I kept praying.

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When I finally quit this time, I got very sick with a bad cold that turned into a severe bronchitis, so I wasn't able to smoke - I was sick for about 2 weeks. As I recovered, I figured since I had gone for longer than a week without smoking, I may as well stop entirely. However, the better I felt, the more I desired to smoke again. Gradually the craving went away, almost without notice; until about a month ago I'd say. Unlike cessation smoking episodes in the past, I suddenly realized that the craving was completely gone. I don't know how to explain it, but I just know it is gone. Now I can see a person smoking, or watch a film that glamorizes it, or feel really artsy and depressed, anything from the old bag of triggers, and I have no desire to smoke. It is gone. Only a heavy smoker would know how miraculous that is. (I smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day.)

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Sometimes it takes many years of hard work and constant prayer, as well as many fallings and risings, to completely overcome a behavior, a vice, or a bad habit; but with the help of God's grace, anything is possible. And I assure you, it is sheer grace.