Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Over the river and through the woods...

To Grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.
Everyone in the neighborhood knew her as "Little Red Riding Hood" - the young blond woman with developmental disorders who still lived at home with her alcoholic mother. The mother had no intention of cooking for Thanksgiving and definitely did not want the grandma over to her house - which is the real reason why she sent Little Red over to grandma's with the meal mom picked up from the food shelf on her way home from the liquor store the day before.

"Here - take this to grandma's and fix Thanksgiving dinner for her - and don't stop any place on the way over. You can bring me back the left overs." The mother said, as she mixed a vodka and tonic for herself.
Little Red grabbed the basket, excited she was trusted to go on such a journey and commissioned to cook such an important dinner at that. (Even though granny had Alzheimer's, she still enjoyed a good dinner.)
On the way over Little Red was surprised to see that Walgreen's was open on the holiday, so she thought she would stop in to buy a Thanksgiving card for granny. Red suffered from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) so when she got in the store she forgot why she went in, and started to try on make-up at the cosmetic counter. After about an hour, she remembered she had been told not to stop anyplace and go straight to grandma's.
Forgetting the card, on her way out of the drug store the security guy stopped her to ask what she had in the basket. Red showed him the dinner and explained she was on her way to granny's house. She went on to tell the guard that granny had Alzheimer's and continued on offering far too much personal information about granny and herself. The guard sent her on her way, advising her that she better hurry or she would be late.
In the meantime, granny assumed she was supposed to go over to Little Red Riding Hood's house, to eat with Red and her mother. Like so many people with Alzheimer's, she got in the car, drove off and was never heard from again. Disappeared without a trace. Thus, when Red got to granny's house, no one was there, so she decided to watch TV. Suddenly there was a knock on the door! It turned out to be the security guard from Walgreen's. Not to fear however, Red had left her purse on the cosmetic counter and he was just returning it.
Anyway - Since granny wasn't home, Red invited him to stay for Thanksgiving dinner. They eventually fell in love and got married. An interesting note, the guard's name was Filbert Wulff, hence the misunderstanding with the Big Bad Wolf thing. Oh, and another reason for the Big Bad Wolf mix-up - both Red and Filbert were suspects in the disappearance of granny, and since there was no evidence - no charges could be filed against them. (Red's mother continues to live by herself, although she has been in and out of rehab.) Yeah, so I guess you can say they lived happily ever after.

The End.


  1. Twisted & I love it.

  2. I can't wait to read the next installment....Jack and the Bean Stalk?, Snow White?, the Three Billy Goats Gruff?.... Just hold on while I pour myself a double G & T!

  3. LOL!!

    I love your version.

    When I was pregnant with my son, my husband used to read to him in utero the Brothers Grimm. I think I might've been able to stay awake if I had your edition.

  4. ROFLMAO!!!

    Another happy ending to a dysfunctional tale.

    thanks ;)

  5. "When we step into the family, by the act of being born, we do step into a world which is incalculable, into a world which has its own strange laws, into a world which could do without us, into a world we have not made. In other words, when we step into the family we step into a fairy-tale." - Heretics, CW, I, p.143

    GK Chesterton

  6. Oh man, you're killing me with these:0)

    Say, how old is little Red Riding Hood in this story? I've always had the impression that she was quite young and DEFINITELY not old enough to work. Which brings me to my next question, how old was the security guy? He seems to be old enough to work. Can you see where I'm going with this? This story gets more and more disturbing with each question.

    I can’t make a definitive connection, but there is a subtle similarity between Red and her guy and Woody Allen and Soon-Yi.



  7. Tom - No, the reason she wasn't able to work was due to disabilities - and she was about 28 years old when grandma vanished. You are close with the security guard however, he was a retired policeman working at Walgreen's - I'm told he was 82 years old, so yes - there was a huge age gap.

  8. Another few thousand words and I think we might have a National Book Award contestant for a new "modern" classic fairy tale.

    Great story, guy!

    Just as an aside:

    On the way over Little Red was surprised to see that Walgreen's was open on the holiday, so she thought she would stop in to buy a Thanksgiving card for granny.

    A few Christmases ago, as is my custom I was over at my brother's house for Christmas Eve (and Day, too) and I got the flu which started at "supper" as I lost my voice (and it got worse and lasted about a week). I actually walked out of Christmas Day Mass the next morning, I was so sick.

    On my way home (seven miles) about eleven o'clock, I decided to stop off at Walgreens at 46th and Hiawatha and got some Nyquil and other flu remedies.

    To my amazement, the parking lot was jammed and there were, no kidding, about 100 people, just about all of them finishing up their Christmas shopping.

    Talk about your procrastinators!

    I imagine drug stores and and a few gas stations were the only places open.

  9. i read your blogs' posts and become acutely aware that i can't write diddly squat ... and besides that, what i write is lame. i'm signing off for tonite and going to try to regroup tomorrow ... maybe take a 3+ hour trip to a city in the southern part of our state and visit santa's grave site - maybe that will inspire me - place name: Santa Claus, IN - the sounds of wailing an gnashing can be heard in the breeze there ... such depressing drivel.

  10. Anonymous3:37 PM

    you are a strange little man

  11. Thank you anonymous.

    Update - I made a mistake in Filbert's age - he was only 62 when he met Red.


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