The Visitors - John Koch
Shared with Only me
“There is nothing more provocative than minding your own business.” - William S. Burroughs, The Place of Dead Roads
I had a somewhat disturbing dream one night, not too long ago. I suppose the theme was my social anxiety - the source of which I know. It also involved my lifelong sense of not fitting in - anywhere. And not wanting to. It was a dream revisiting something that happened long ago, but in a contemporary circumstance.
Sometime in the early '70's, my friends and I dropped acid and went to a poolside party somewhere in an eastside suburb of St. Paul. It was John, Jim, Bob, Linda and Donna and me. Mary Kay was at the party, I think I knew some of the people, but I was not friends with them. They were all straight. They stared at us as we all arrived. It felt like something out of a film, maybe like The Graduate. The women I was with apparently were not getting along with another group at the party. Whatever - the atmosphere was extremely uncomfortable and I had no social skills with those kind of people. LOL! I had been living and working in Minneapolis and pretending to be normal and sophisticated. (I worked in fashion display, had lived with my boss, 13 years my senior and had to act like an adult in very difficult snobby situations.) Then my friends came to the rescue and I kind of dropped out, enjoying the drugs and sort of reinventing myself. Another pretense, I might add.
Anyway - gratefully my friends were all turned off by the pool party and we agreed to leave - primarily because they started throwing people in the pool. We left.
Long story short, my dream last night was similar. Rather than try to engage in conversation with the people who were there, I went in the house and started to clean. I was hoping to be accepted that way - or excused for doing something nice for the hosts. They came to check on me now and then and I overheard them discussing what I was doing, while speculating why I was doing it. I stepped outside, out of view, looked at all of them and realized they were all strangers to me. That they had no idea who I was or what I was about. They said nice things to me, but were not sincere. I decided to leave and I heard a woman repeating - "You shouldn't go - you're going to end up completely alone... completely alone... completely alone." My first though, 'I don't know her.'
I left. I left knowing that though I am alone, I'm not alone.
That's it, that's the dream. I considered it a reflection of current situation with my family. They seem to have an endless stream of birthdays and get togethers - for holidays - real or made up, e.g. Christmas in July. I'm always invited, I rarely go. Sometimes I have a real excuse, which they don't believe and sometimes I just don't go - no excuse. I never reveal my actual health condition or problems, so they probably think I'm good to go. Just this past week I cancelled three appointments due to personal problems, which made it inconvenient to keep them. I mentioned it on FB, which they read, writing: "Rescheduled my appointment again. Wait until you get old. Things are not that simple. God forgive me for the impatience I have shown to others - reward them, favor them for having endured me." I feel so stupid revealing such things publicly, so I end up removing posts like that.
I frequently take posts down - or rather made it for my view only. I get discouraged sometimes and attempt to express it in writing. Writing helps me think, reading it helps me make sense of it, I've always done that. It seems to help. Afterwards, I tend to remove some posts since it solved whatever I was attempting to understand. That can frustrate readers though.
Yesterday, I noted another lost day. "I missed studio time today, as well as my appointment. I hate that. Nap time came early - Gabs loves that and she makes me happy when she's comfortable. I took the garbage out for trash day though. Oh - and we prayed our rosary outside. I'm relying on Fr. Charbel to help me get my projects finished in time. The saints tell us not to worry."
Most likely not connected to that post, one of my nephews sent me a private message saying I can't come to my aunt's 100th birthday party this weekend. He's on his long weekend off work, so he isn't always clear in conversations - be it live or text. I decided to play around, with a little back and forth. He wasn't in the mood, rather it turned out to be a challenge. Long story short, he was not happy I wasn't coming to the party. About two weeks ago, one of his sisters was unhappy I didn't come to another function.
I told my nephew that I am undependable, unreliable, irresponsible and always a disappointment. His last text was, "You got that right."
At least I got something right and he can feel better about himself now.
I need God's mercy now, more than ever.
I've never been close to family. I left home in senior high and never remained close. After Darold died I tried to be closer to them We didn't really know each other. Years ago, my parents complained about me to my sister's husband, blaming me for leaving home - telling him I was queer. He was freaked, told my parents and my sister I was no longer welcome in their home and he wanted nothing to do with me. So I wasn't close to the kids. After he died, I stayed away, fearing I'd be a bad example and influence for them. So they grew up estranged from me and I from them.
It's been touch and go all along. I have no hard feelings, but I'm not sure they get it - the fact of having been shamed and banned at one time - even though I had already separated myself from the family and sought to make a new life for myself.
So. I live alone now, with my cat.
