New Year means nothing to me.
Just a new calendar.
Nothing new here. So. We're all caught up then?
I spend too much time on FB and monitoring Twitter. Although most of my FB time is spent watching home improvement videos, along with arts and crafts videos. Otherwise I come across Catholic posts which generate controversy over fake news and conspiracy theories, which annoy me and sometimes I comment or post on it here, only to have my POV ignored. Sometimes I form an opinion without knowing the facts and when I do, I sometimes moderate my tone. I should really just shut up.
It's kind of fascinating having been on social media for so many years. I've learned a lot, especially about others, no doubt others have learned a lot about me as well. Knowing aspects of one's private life and beliefs contradicts what many people thought they knew about you - that works both ways of course.
Now that I'm old a lot of that no longer matters. At least I hope it doesn't. Friending and unfriending on social media is absolutely meaningless. People I have never met or knew once upon a time in the workplace are not friends in the sort of flesh and blood sense - therefore when they unfriend me, it's fine. Unfriending means they never knew me in the first place - they believed me to be someone they wanted me to be. Hence they were never friends in the first place.
I was looking for something I once wrote on friendship. Especially as it applied to same sex friendship. It is an issue that has been gravely exaggerated due to the fact that same sex couple may now legally marry, although the Church cannot recognize SS marriage. It's also been a concern to some Catholics if two men or two women share a house - are they lovers? I've wasted much time on that subject, but again, those who did not know me, never understood what I was saying. To be sure, it never should have been an issue and now, in 2022 it no longer is.
That said, I came across an extraordinary statement made by a former Priory of a monastic community who had been accused of certain improprieties with a member of his community. I don't want to get into details of the scandal - both men have distanced themselves from me because I have shared my reflections on their situation and considered both actors were sufficiently aware of the objective boundary violations within the relationship. The former prior unfriended me simply because I questioned the authenticity of his vocation within a vocation, for various reasons. That's another story.
I do have to conclude there probably is something to the whistleblower's accusations and the prior's behavior. A little thing the prior wrote, which I copied and pasted for a post I did, thinking it just might help people understand a chaste, same-sex friendship between laymen, could be very telling. The link to the author's 2012 blog post has since been deleted. The quote:
"... one must have friendships in life. [ . . .] Let yourself love. There is no danger so long as the spirit of prayer exists in you. And young priests have hours of loneliness that are very hard. They need affection and tenderness. If you don't give it to them, they will go looking for it just anywhere.
Also, at certain hours we need someone to show us affection: a mother, a sister, a brother. Otherwise, if the heart is not anchored, it goes anywhere at all, and is lost." - One must have friendships in life.
I believe this is significant, and ought to be reassuring to the whistleblower that something inordinate was involved in their rather small, albeit intimate community.
A long post about nothing.
Your comments raise a few questions in my mind. What exactly do we expect of our priests and religious? Are they to be cut off from the circle of friends? I have known quite a few religious who suffered from the ban on “particular friendships.” In theory it was believed to weaken the spiritual & community life of that person. Why must a religious be alone? I guess the void is to be filled by Christ & the Saints. Our priests are now isolated in a very unhealthy way. I pray for them. I visit my first grade teacher in her community’s retirement home. It is filled with joy as they take care of each other. I think women have a more human ability to build relationships. We have reduced our way of thinking about relationships to a sexulaized framework when in fact it is much more complex. Predators will seek victims wherever possible but that is not a relationship.
ReplyDeleteGood questions. The prior's comment never raised a flag for me until the young monk's accusations emerged - so yes, I think the comment of itself is harmless and well intended. However, whenever it's a question of sexuality everything is liable to get unhinged. Especially with young people who are brought up to be hyper aware of their bodies, good touch/bad touch stuff and the idea of 'grooming'. Those are all real things of course, but it can get weird. I believe where the prior is mistaken is where he says, 'there is no danger as long as the spirit of prayer exists in you.' It's a bit like taking Augustine's saying 'love and do as you will' to the extreme - one may confuse infatuation and lust with love, and so on. No matter how interior one's prayer. The Fathers Phillippe and Jean Vanier spiritual accommodations have certainly revealed that error. The other error in fr. Prior's statement is 'otherwise if the heart is not anchored, it goes anywhere at all, and is lost.' If a genuine spirit of prayer means anything it means the heart is anchored - and more deeply, doesn't need to go looking for anything anywhere. The fr. Prior was wrong - and he was the experienced monastic, the teacher, the father master, the spiritual director, if you will.
DeleteOtherwise, chaste, disinterested friendship in indeed necessary, caring for one another as you point out. I love your comments, they help me clarify my thoughts.
Forgot to add - I could be wrong of course. ;)
DeleteFirst - Terry, Mr. Hamilton, and all - I am *always* glad to hear from all of you, and I thank Terry for bringing us together. I know we aren't real friends in the traditional sense, but there is comfort in knowing I am among kind and courteous people. I do not take it for granted, and I respect and enjoy your viewpoints.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of something a former pastor mentioned once. He always welcomed African priests who were studying at the University across the street to be in residence at the rectory. In addition to their studies, the foreign priests assisted with Confessions, Masses, hospital visits, and anywhere they were needed. Father said he always dreaded living alone, that this is when the problems start for priests. There is no one to discuss his work who understands what priests face on a daily basis - the long hours, the heavy workload that isn't always fully covered in seminary training (including business management classes!), and the "people issues" - bickering, etc. Father believed this is what causes some priests to develop unwholesome habits such as alcoholism, drug abuse, and worse. I think he is right (except for those with deeply rooted problems who should not have been ordained in the first place).
Recently, the woman who cooked, cleaned, and did the laundry for our young pastor and elderly retired vicar in residence quit without notice. I accidently heard about this, and two other ladies of the parish and I are now handling this work without pay because we are fond of our priests and we want to be supportive of faithful, good priests. It is a joy and an honor for us. The priests reluctantly accepted our offer (we refused pay, and I think they are afraid of imposing). Over the last few weeks we have made it work.
I have gained a more comprehensive appreciation for the lives of parish priests. They only let us cook for them once per week and include a retired priest of a neighboring parish. For the rest of the week, they finish the leftovers, which we supplement with sandwich fixings. They seldom have time to sit down to a meal. They do not have time buy socks when the ones they have are worn out and have holes, or take the time to do things we take for granted, like laundry. They end up doing this on their imaginary days off. In the last 6 weeks, my pastor has not taken the only day off he gets all week because he has such an overwhelming workload (easily a 14-16 hour work day). Our vicar, who is officially retired and close to 80 years old, spends his days making hospital and home sick calls, celebrates Mass, assists his nephew - who is pastor at a very large and busy parish and school - with the school children's weekly Confessions and catechism classes, and far more, probably an 8-10 hour daily work day. They are happy, but tired.
I think there probably is something to say for priests (and everyone else) having some kind of pleasant human contact on a regular basis - fellow priests, parishioners, and friends to keep their outlook healthy. Of course, "particular friends" are a danger, but with a happy home life, perhaps it becomes less of an issue.
Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but it seems to be a very hard life to be a priest. I think most of them have some clue about what they are getting themselves into. They also encounter great joy and satisfaction, and I am so glad about that. The thing to remember is that Satan is always on the prowl, and His Nastiness does not torment his own - he goes after those who belong to God.
For us in the laity, it may be good to remember small kindnesses, courtesies, and respect are encouraging for these men who have given up their lives for God on our behalf. We are in this together with our parish priests, and we need to do our part to keep them strong, physically and spiritually. I do not express myself well, but perhaps you know me well enough to understand what I mean.
Best blessings for a more hopeful and joyful New Year to all here! - Susan, TOF
Wonderful insights here, Susan. I think it is generous of all of you to come to the support of your priests. I think it is especially god for priests to have fellow priests, even retired priest, to share the rectory with. It is very difficult to be alone, especially for younger pastors who are so quickly assigned to be the pastor. Normal friendship and fraternity is absolutely right and good.
DeleteI wonder why the former housekeeper quit without notice? Cooking, cleaning and laundry is quite a lot to do - and it may have been too much for her. I actually know a lot about that. Sometimes priests appear spoiled or pampered to a person not all that familiar with life in a rectory. Some might be late for supper or spring a quest or two on the cook - without notice. Some guys are messy and ungracious, and so on. Contemporary lay people - esp. singles - maintaining a residence and a job, who do their own cleaning and cooking, may not understand how helpful it is for a priest to have a housekeeper. Historically, housekeeper were maybe rather motherly and good listeners, which had to be a consolation for the priest.
I like this discussion. Of course the issue I discuss in the post concerns inordinate affections and codependency - an unhealthy relationship. Normal guys are unlikely to fall into that trap.
Terry, the former housekeeper said she was needed to babysit her grandchildren. I understand that, but I think it would have been kinder to give our priests some kind of notice, more than, "Today's my last day of work!" She isn't a parishioner, so maybe she doesn't love them as we do. She is about my age, so I don't think the workload was too heavy, nor are our priests demanding.
DeleteI know exactly what you mean about the differences in personalities - not every priest is patient and saintly. I have to say, though, that my parish priests are, which I realize is unusual. My cohorts and I decided early on that we would let nothing faze us or destroy our peace - we would just roll with whatever our priests asked of us. Nor would we gossip or say anything against our priests. The only time there was a problem was when they pulled out of dinner a couple of hours ahead of time. One of us, who has 10 kids (those with the most responsibilities always have time for others, don't they?!), had already prepared a pot roast and potatoes. She simply served it to her family the following night, and we didn't complain. It all works out.
Between our young (just turned 38) pastor, our retired vicar (80), and the retired elderly priest who eats with them every Wednesday, it has been a pleasure and a blessing for us. They are grateful and tell us so. Our pastor told us what we do saves him 6-8 hours per week, which pleases me.
We made sure we know their preferences, and we try to make life homier for them. We put up a Christmas tree for them, which they didn't have time to do. They are delighted to come home to it. When we see towels, undershirts, or socks need replaced, we quietly do it. We sew loose buttons back on, and repair trouser hems that have fallen out, and replace worn out linens. I don't know if they notice, and it doesn't matter if they don't. It makes us happy to do it.
I think it helps all three to have decent priestly companionship. My pastor, in particular, is sociable and outgoing. I worry that he will lose his joy and become bitter if he lives a solitary life all the time. I think, even though we cannot understand the complexities and joys of being a priest, it helps to have some motherly, cheerful women around (yes, we are old enough to be our pastor's mother, and it's the first time I've had a pastor that young - I am 60 and my friends are about the same age). They don't have to worry about doing the laundry, they get a home-cooked meal once weekly, and fresh, healthy food the rest of the week. We have the joy of doing these small jobs for our beloved priests, and it saves our underprivileged parish the cost of hiring someone. It is what family does for one another, or should.
The last time my parish had a live-in housekeeper was probably at least 35 years ago. The aptly-named Martha was an elderly spinster from Maine with no family at all. Our pastor let her live in one of the unused priest suites (bedroom, sitting room, and bathroom) and she cooked 3x daily, and did all the housework and laundry. She was lovely, quiet, and kind. When she died, rather than send her to a funeral home for a viewing, had her lie in state in the church, and permitted her to be buried in our parish cemetery so she would not have to be alone.
We three ladies feel very lucky. We were worried about them getting run down from overwork and unhealthy food, especially now with the pandemic. It is rather fun for us, and we have the satisfaction of knowing we are helping save them some worry and trouble in a very small way. We are grateful they are permitting us to help a bit.
I apologize for going on so much and for going off on a tangent from the subject of your posting. You are so gracious and kind to understand!
I love reading your story. The priests are blessed to have you.
DeleteNot surprised Susan that you are pitching in to help. Yes, I too think it is a difficult and increasingly lonely life. Sounds like your pastor has a support group which is so important.
DeleteThank you, my brothers in Christ. You are very kind to say so, but it is we who are blessed by good, joyful, and faithful parish priests. We think it is important to support our good priests and to pray for those who are troubled and unhappy.
DeleteThe new year means nothing to me as well. I actually had a pretty good Advent for once; totally did away with any going out, parties and such. Of course having covid just before Thanksgiving helped with that tremendously. No one comes over anyway and I'm past the age of long nights out. Good riddance.
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as staying occupied, I can't be bothered with too many news outlets, either. Know what is strange? I've found solace in a new obsession with Sasquatch. Not the TV shows, but following researchers on their YouTube channels and the BFRO website (Bigfoot Researchers Organization). I'd rather listen to Bigfoot howls than Pelosi, Biden, or Fauci.
I'm with you regarding the news - I have to Google some people to find out why they are always being reported on. Where does Bigfoot live?
DeleteYou'd be shocked that there have been sightings in nearly every state. Groups are not isolated to the PNW but can be found in dense woodlands all across the US. My home state of Missouri has seen and heard evidence in the Ozarks, southeast Missouri in the Mark Twain National Forest, and even close to St. Louis in the Meramec River Valley.
DeleteBigfoot is nothing compared to my ancestral monster. Loch Ness is near my ancestors home. I visited once and even on a sunny day it has a foreboding feel. Nessy can wallop ten Bigfoots.
Delete