Fr. Marianus Marck.
I first met Fr. Marinus when I stayed at the Charterhouse in Vermont for a month in the Spring of 1976. I was there as an observer, hoping to enter. I've mentioned before that the Prior Raphael Diamond explained to me that a certain tendency in my temperament would be unsuitable for the solitary life. I was kindly told I couldn't enter. Afterwards, I continued my pilgrimage and went to Rome, like my patron, St. Benedict Joseph Labre. I wasn't exactly suited to the life of a mendicant either.
Those who read me know I had a relapse into an old way of life, and left Boston, thinking I would be safe from temptation back in Minneapolis. Then I met my friend Darold. Many know the story now, how I couldn't live in a sexual friendship and still receive the sacraments. My friend Darold said he would rather live celibately - separate beds, no sex, etc., than live alone.
I prayed to St. Joseph for a remedy, and things worked out. That is not to say things were easy, and I kept thinking I could still leave and enter a monastery and Darold would be free. The sadness my restlessness must have caused Darold had to have been painful, if not annoying, yet he never said very much. He allowed me space - what he put up with though - the only thing he would tell me is not to lay my guilt on him, as well as pointing out there was nothing wrong with our friendship. (He really helped me.)
I mention this because I believed the Carthusians would accept me after I had 'successfully' lived two years, chaste and celibate, albeit with Darold. (I was so clueless - after all, it was Darold's support and stability which allowed me to grow up, to live chastely and celibately, and return to the prayer and the sacraments. Together we were able to help others.) That said, I came upon the final rejection letter today while going through papers, which I'll post here, along with the Facebook piece I did in remembrance of Fr. Marianus. (I was surprised to learn, only a week or so ago, that he had died, and even more surprised to find out he was a German Prince.)
Back to Fr. Marianus.
Postscript.
From time to time, around the feast of St. Bruno, I lament that I was not able to enter the Carthusians. I would even try to blame 'them' for not admitting me. I would try to fault them. Over time, and more recently, I discerned that my criticism of monastics and monastic observance, as well as new groups attempting to establish a religious life, was the result of envy. I was envious of those who were able to live a religious life. A section from a letter of St. Bruno always caused me sorrow, little did I know - as I applied it to myself - that it fed the envy and resentment I tried to suppress. I was in denial and went to extremes to justify the critical spirit I harbored when assessing the religious life of monastics. I genuinely think Fr. Marianus' prayers have finally freed me from that vice - at least I hope so.
"Many wish to come into this port, and many make great efforts to do so, yet do not achieve it. Indeed many, after reaching it, have been thrust out, since it was not granted to them from above.
Therefore, my brothers, you should consider it certain and well established that whoever partakes of this desirable good, should he in any way lose it, will grieve to his death, if he has any concern for the salvation of his soul." -Letters of St. Bruno. Office of Readings.
My dear brother Terry - thank you for sharing this part of your life. It must have been devastating not to be able to serve the Lord as you had enviaged. I well understand your envy. I have experienced much the same when I was turned down - repeatedly - for service in my parish in various areas. Now, after the passage of a few years, I see that God had something better in mind for me. I am sure He has plans for you now, as He did then. And your good Darold - what an understanding and supportive friend! Not many would have cared enough for you to sacrifice as he did. You have been blessed, my brother, even though you are experiencing such grief now. I wish you every grace and blessing, and I hope you will share with us how things work out for you now and in the future. We may be distant and never meet, but I, and I expect many others, care for you and want the very best for you. God bless and protect you, and give you every comfort and peace.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for your kind thoughts and prayers and sharing your experience as well. yes - Darold was an amazing and talented man. Big hugs - we are united in prayer and devotion, along with several others I've met through the blog. God is good.
DeleteDear Terry, I first started writing to Dom Marianus when I was a senior in high school as he was the vocation director. Eventually we decided that I had a more Cistercian vocation and so entered the abbey in Spencer MA. Years later when I was the abbot's secretary we had a visit from Dom André Louf of La Trappe in France and he had a meeting with Dom Raphael Diamond and I was assigned to be his driver. So years after corresponding I finally got to meet Dom Marianus and I still wear a small cross he gave me with the inscription Stat crux dum vulvitor orbis, the Carthusian motto. I was happy to read all you had to say about him. - Marc Hamel (I left Spencer after 12 years?
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ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting story. Thank you for sharing. My attraction to vowed life ebbed & flowed over my early years. I entered college & not the seminary, in my case Maryknoll, to “test out” my suitability for a religious life. Well I never looked back rationalizing that I was not suited to any vow of obedience which was probably correct. I continue however to have a strong interest in monastic history, life & current happenings. It is for me the thread that keeps me tethered to our Church.
ReplyDeleteAs for Fr Marianus that is a remarkable story. The German Principalities produced a lot of Princes & Princesses. Victoria snagged Albert and that made her a Grandmother for many. I thought most were Lutheran except for the Bavarian ones. He & his family must have been an exception. Someone seriously needs to write his life story.
I only just discovered his origins, in the Charterhouse he was an imposing figure due to his vocation and devotion. The Pror was also famous, a noted psychiatrist, a Jewish convert, friend of Dietrich Von Hildebrandt. I really couldn't squabble with his insight and discernment. He too was an extraordinary religious, very humble and always a smile on his face. You are right about the German nobility - mostly Protestant - Fr. M.'s family an exception. His life story would be a good read.
DeleteHi Terry,
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking lots about you today. In my prayers for you, I had to say to you that you truly are blessed to have met so many wonderful and holy people in your life, in your travels. I think now, they intercede for you in heaven and to me, that is such a blessing. I find myself too thinking of those who have gone before me who were faithful and always in church and praying. The two Spiritual Directors I had are gone now too ... boy I sure miss them and would so love to sit with them and have a good cry all while pouring out my self to them. I find myself in a rough patch at the moment that makes being charitable, patient and kind very difficult. My prayers have all but dried up ... please remember me in yours. Gracias.
Yaya, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have missed your presence here over the past few months. Everÿone enters the desert, but emerges into the garden renewed. May God's grace flow abundantly through you dear Yaya.
ReplyDeleteI visited the Charterhouse on two occasions. On the first visit Fr. Marcinius took my bag and lead me to my cell. He had a sense of humor, seemed very personable. On reading various blogs from those who failed to make the life of the Carthusian or those who were once on the inside, I always get the sensation of regret. Like the author of this article, I too felt abandoned. I never completed my religious studies/formation. I have been a lay man. Oh well, I will wait to see the splendors on the other side, where 'eye has not seen nor ear has heard' what is in store for us.
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