This is the best.

 This is such an important message.  I've seen unforgiveness online among Catholics, some who have even left the Church - we all need to forgive.  Over and over if need be - just as much as we all need to ask for forgiveness, especially in the sacrament of Penance - over and over and over.

MEDITATION OF THE DAY

Believing in the Power of Forgiveness

When I forgive somebody, one of the things that allows me to forgive is faith.

God can convert something good even out of evil. Let’s say I’ve lived through an evil; I have suffered, I was wounded, but I believe that God is powerful enough to bring goodness out of everything, even the evil committed against me. In the Gospel reading for the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, the angel tells Mary that nothing is impossible for God. If we have faith that God can convert a good thing out of evil—an evil that we’ve suffered through—then God can heal our wounds, and forgiveness is easier. In the world today we have a hard time forgiving, and one of the reasons is our lack of faith. We are convinced that our wounds are definitive and will never be healed; we think there is no remedy for evil.

Forgiveness is also an act of hope. When I don’t forgive, I’m condemning someone. That means that I’m identifying the person with the evil he or she has ­committed. I see the person as guilty and bad. I don’t want to forgive him or her. I have no hope for the person; I don’t think he or she can change. On the contrary, forgiving someone is a very beautiful act of hope. This person did something bad, he or she committed a wrong act, but I don’t want to identify the person with the bad action because God still loves this person who has done something bad. God is working in that person’s heart. Perhaps the person will convert. The person I’m judging and condemning will perhaps one day be a great saint. When we look at the lives of the saints, there are assassins, adulterers, criminals—but grace changed their hearts….

When we forgive someone, we set that person free of revenge or judgment. But it’s not only the other person we set free; it’s also ourselves. Every time that I forgive somebody, I set myself free…. Be encouraged to ask for the grace of forgiveness and practice it.

Father Jacques Philippe

Father Philippe is a French priest, a member of the Community of the Beatitudes, and a renowned spiritual director. / From Real Mercy: Mary, Forgiveness, and Trust, Maria Masterson, Tr. © 2016, Father Jacques Philippe, Scepter Publishers, Inc., New York, NY. www.scepterpublishers.org. www.frjacquesphilippe.com. Used with permission.

“I loved my own way, not yours, but it was a truant’s freedom that I loved”. - St. Augustine

Compunction of St. Augustine, Fra Angelico.

I took the header quote from Fr. Z's post on the saint here.

The quote, translated from the Latin “amans vias meas et non tuas, amans fugitivam libertatem” (3.3.5) is how Augustine described his 'profligate youth'.  It really nails the experience of many a youth, I think.  At least mine.  (I never grew up until I was 50, and even then I was pretty retarded.)  That said, St. Augustine, please pray for me!  Interestingly Fr. Z says that in the original Latin, St. Augustine says that after his conversion and as bishop he was "loved and feared" by his people.  I think I may have shied away from Augustine over the years out of fear ... his example and teaching really calls for a resolute conversion, don't you agree?

St. Augustine, pray for me.

I mention this because traditionally Augustine is a great example for penitents - those who leave the profligate lifestyle behind.

I've often written about how conversion can go in 'fits and starts'.  Big sins bring on dramatic flights to the confessional - the fear of God - and hell - or the fear of being lost completely in an ocean of smut, can effect in us a new determination to sin no more.  Throw all of our sexy swimwear and tight clothes into a bonfire, like St. Thais, or something.  I'm not really exaggerating here either.

I've probably told the story of a former monk who had the reputation of always repenting - not like the desert fathers story - but someone I knew.  No, not me - although close.  He left the monastery and burst out onto the bar scene and was rather profligate.  (Love that word.)  Just as much as he threw himself into all sorts of debauchery - he would repent, weekly, monthly, every other day ...  It happens.  It doesn't mean the repentance is insincere - not at all.  It happens.  The situation or 'soul-sickness' at the time reminds me of the story of the man in the Gospel whose son, tormented by demons, kept throwing himself into the fire in fits and starts, more or less.

Anyway ...

Unlike the great penitents, many of us fall after our conversion.  We return to confession and rise again and keep trying.  If our sins involve another - bad friendships, anonymous sex, casual sex, and so on - in and through the process of repentance, confession, conversion - the road behind can be 'littered with road kill' to use a friend's metaphor for my blog.

When we clean up our act, we sometimes forget the 'friends' and partners in sin we left behind.  We fail to understand our role in causing another person to sin.  We may worry about our salvation, but do we have concern for those we may have 'used' for our pleasure?  Know what I mean?  A holy confessor, a monk, once said to me - "Your sins are forgiven, but what about those you caused to sin with you?"

It's something we can miss in our repentance - especially in our fits and starts ... we can also miss the underlying sins - but that's another post.  We drag people into our sin - do we pull them up when we repent?  Perhaps that thought can help one to avoid sin in the future.  Mortal sin destroys charity in the soul, we offend God and neighbor.  This is why we need to make reparation.  It is why we need to pray even harder for the conversion of sinners.  We don't need to call sinners out, or proclaim our new-found innocence over their heads, shaming them for not believing we are now all respectable and acceptable.  (Sometimes that is what we want - to be acceptable and respectable.)  It may be more convincing to make reparation - to pray and do penance for our sins - praying fervently for our conversion and the conversion of sinners.

We forget about that sometimes when we are all shiny clean and feeling saved after confession. At least I did.  I dumped bad companions - which is the right thing to do in most cases - but I never told them why.  I always thought 'they' were my problem - my 'occasion of sin' - but it was pretty much me.

“Where does temptation come from? How does it work in us? The Apostle tells us that it is not from God, but from our passions, our inner weaknesses, from the wounds left in us by original sin: that’s where temptations come from, from these passions. - Pope Francis

The 'adventure' made sin 'fun' - “I loved my own way, not yours, but it was a truant’s freedom that I loved”...

Our Lord can make all things well, so it is good to try and make reparation, and pray for those we used and cast away.

More on Judas

Alain Sportiello as Jacques Fesch*

Pope Benedict describes the betrayer as a sycophant.

"[...] a sycophant who bows down before the anonymous power of changing moods and current fashion." Not a 'master of evil' or some scary, demoniacal figure. - Benedict XVI

I agree.  He goes on to point out that Judas felt let down by Jesus - because he expected something different from him.  This too works in with my meditation from yesterday.

We envy and seek revenge because we don't get what we want - because we are not recognized and appreciated to the degree we imagine we deserve.  I'm like that.

How can I repair?

The cup of salvation I will raise ...

I will call on the Lord's name.

This morning I reminded myself of how St. Francis had many Masses said as he recovered from his illness and went through his conversion.  Conversion is ongoing - it isn't confined to a moment, or an experience, hence we can never rest on those signal graces, thinking of ourselves as having arrived or as something we won, or achieved, even as something which sets us apart.  "From my hidden faults save me!"

Those of us who aren't priests, or may not be able to attend Mass every day, much less able to afford to have Masses offered - we can still participate in the saving action, we can still offer the cup of salvation in atonement and reparation.  We can spiritually unite ourselves to Christ's saving action in the Eucharist - the memorial of his Passion.

We can also offer the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, which is analogous to the Holy Sacrifice, since we offer the body, blood, soul and divinity of Christ to the Father - incessantly.  That is what takes place at Mass, that is what priests throughout the world do when they offer Mass.  We can participate in that - in our prayer; the Office, Lectio, aspirations which help us to recollect ourselves throughout the day, and very simply, in the prayers of the chaplet.

Then of course, there is Our Lady's rosary.  What if we prayed many rosaries as Our Lady instructed Bl. Francisco Marto to do?  What if we prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet incessantly as our Lord instructed St. Faustina to do?

Today I pray for all the people I've treated unjustly, unkindly, and insincerely - to please 'management' or people I wanted to impress and gain favor with.

"Perhaps he is (Judas) jealous of any intimate relationship Jesus has that does not include him.  This jealousy and revolt against a gentle, loving Jesus pave the way for the devil to enter his heart.  Satan then can take over and inspire Judas to betray Jesus and hand him over." - Jean Vanier

* Jacques Fesch (April 6, 1930, Saint-Germain-en-Laye – October 1, 1957, La Santé Prison, Paris) was the murderer of a French police officer, who became such a devout Roman Catholic while in prison awaiting execution that he has been proposed for canonization as a saint. 

The story of Judas scares me.

Blood and water flowing from the side of Christ as a font of mercy for us, I trust in you.

I never really considered myself a Judas, that is I never  wanted to place myself in a meditation that he showed up in.  In fact I always tried to avoid thinking too much about the man who betrayed Christ.  He was just a warning for me, something to be feared and put off.  This year is different.  The Gospel passage where Judas feigns innocence, asking Our Lord, 'is it me who will betray you?'  'surely it's not me?' has resounded in my heart.

I often wondered if Judas was somehow really innocent, yet it seems to me his questions demonstrated that he actually knew Our Lord was referring to him.  

Did you ever do that?  Not in big things like Judas of course.  But - he who is not faithful in small things will not be faithful in big ones.  So.  Did you ever do something like that?  Get caught in a lie?  Then dissimulate and act as if you were innocent when someone suggested that you were lying?  Or pretended that you didn't even know they knew you knew they knew you lied?  Only later to try and cover up your lie with protests that those you betrayed somehow betrayed you?  Crazy logic - blame the victim for your little lie.  Convincing yourself you were somehow justified.

I think Judas thought he was not only full of good intentions, but that he himself was good; I'll bet he never thought of himself as a liar or a thief.  I think he felt in control, in charge of his life, like the faithful steward doing his duty, although he was surely the dishonest steward.  Somehow he justified himself.  I think he always did that - and he believed he was virtuous.  Today we might call that denial.  He demonstrated that when he complained about the ointment used to anoint our Lord, suggesting it should have been sold and the the proceeds given to the poor, perhaps reserving a small 'fee' for himself.  He perhaps had 'good' intentions, but it wasn't his call.  Of course he did 'good' things - he followed Jesus, he prayed and evangelized with him, he was a 'faithful' disciple and Jew - he kept the Law.  So what happened?

He could have repented.  Our Lord would have forgiven him as he did Peter.  As he did Zacchaeus.

"Look, half of my possessions, Lord, I will give to the poor; and if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I will pay back four times as much." - Luke 19

How can I repay?  How can I repair?  I repent.  I pray for those I have offended and ask their forgiveness.  I'm sorry.

But who can detect all of his errors?

From hidden faults acquit me.

From presumption restrain your servant

and let it not rule me.

Then shall I be blameless,

clean from grave sin. - Ps. 18 

Saturday stuff - stuffed toys, rabbits, bears, cats - err ... not that kind of stuff.

So anyway.

I want to thank all my friends online who came to support me when I was sad.  You know who you are and what you did.  For a long time I thought online friends weren't real - kind of like the stuffed toys I had as a kid - but I found out you are real, and my sadness turned to joy.  Thank you all very much.

A good lesson from Today's readings at Mass:

Thus says the LORD:
If you remove from your midst oppression,
false accusation and malicious speech;
If you bestow your bread on the hungry
and satisfy the afflicted;
Then light shall rise for you in the darkness,
and the gloom shall become for you like midday;
Then the LORD will guide you always
and give you plenty even on the parched land.
He will renew your strength,
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring whose water never fails.
The ancient ruins shall be rebuilt for your sake,
and the foundations from ages past you shall raise up;
“Repairer of the breach,” they shall call you,
“Restorer of ruined homesteads.” - Isaiah 58: 9B-14

“Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but the sick do.

I have not come to call the righteous to repentance but sinners.” - Luke 5: 27-32

Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth.

Incline your ear, O LORD; answer me,

for I am afflicted and poor. - Ps. 84

It is good to be afflicted and poor.

A story from the desert fathers... kinda.

Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’

When it arrives, it finds the house

unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. - Matthew 12:43-45

"A dog is  better than I am, for  he has love and he does not judge." - Abba  Xanthios 


Once there was a brother who resolved to do God's will and therefore determined that he should leave everything in the world and follow Christ in humility.  He found work to sustain himself with a community of nuns who cared for the sick.  After settling in, the brother was pleased with himself for having left his worldly occupations and finding a secure life amongst consecrated souls, where he could live devoutly in silence and prayer, doing good for others. 

Very soon however, the brother was assaulted by all sorts of temptations against chastity and temperance, his patience tried and soon exhausted, he was easily seduced by vivid imaginations.  It wasn't long before he started sneaking out of the confines of the convent, going into the city to engage in all sorts of immoral behavior.  He maintained this duplicitous life for awhile, falling by degrees into a state of dissipation, far worse than what he lived before attempting to live a more devout life.

Seeking out a father, the brother confessed his hypocrisy and sin and asked why his life had become so corrupt, especially when he resolved to leave everything and serve God alone? Yet while in the world he had lived a relatively peace filled, faithful life?

The father explained.  In your former way of life, you indulged your appetites at will, albeit more or less discreetly, convinced you were not like the rest of sinful humanity.  You made your confessions when you sinned, prayed when you felt inspired, and so on.  You enjoyed a relative peace.  You were not aware of your inner attachments because you were already ensnared in your conceit.  Remember the Scripture: "When you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials"?  You believed you fled temptation and the world's seductions only to find you craved them interiorly.  You didn't notice them before because you were already surfeited - you had everything available to you whether you indulged in it or not.  Yet the evil one already had a hold on you, perhaps through some small attachment.

When you decided to give up the external trappings which you were convinced held you back, you acted without counsel.  Your intentions were good, but you lacked self-knowledge.  The Lord allowed you to fall prey to your passions and the seductions of the evil one to expose the false peace of the world and its vanities, to expose the lust that is idolatry which captivates and inebriates souls, he allowed these sorrows in order to expose your attachment to sin.  The Lord permitted you to fall so that you would could finally become humble, and after such serious sin, having repented, might remain humble.  All the while, His love for you never faltered... "though we be unfaithful, He remains faithful."

Our struggle is not against flesh and blood...

I think the lesson here is that sometimes we have an interior attachment to a particular sin or vice, perhaps like a subtle, invisible tether, which only becomes evident when the camouflage of distraction and exterior support or satisfaction is taken away, leaving the soul to its own resources.  As the psalmist says, "from my hidden sins acquit me Lord!"  We oftentimes simply do not understand ourselves.  It is demonstrated by Christ when he rebuked those disciples who wanted to call down fire from heaven upon those who rejected them: "you don't know of what spirit you are!"  And when he rebuked Peter, "get behind me Satan!" 

St. Teresa of Avila greatly feared the false peace the world affords its followers; likewise, Catherine of Genoa feared what she called 'the world's slow stain' which is so insidious and affects all of us on a daily basis.  Similarly, Garrigou-Lagrange discusses the notion in terms of a false charity:

15. There exists, in fact, a false charity, made up of culpable indulgence, of weakness, such as the meekness of those who never clash with anybody because they are afraid of everyone. There is also a false charity, made up of humanitarian sentimentalism, which seeks to have itself approved by true charity and which, by its contact, often taints the true.

One of the chief conflicts of the present day is that which arises between true and false charity. The latter reminds us of the false Christs spoken of in the Gospel; they are more dangerous before they are unmasked than when they make themselves known as the true enemies of the Church. Optimi corruptio pessima, the worst of corruptions is that which attacks what is best in us, the highest of the theological virtues. The apparent good which attracts the sinner is, in fact, so much the more dangerous as it is the counterfeit of a higher good. Such, for example, is the ideal of the pan-Christians, who seek the union of the Churches to the detriment of the faith, which this union presupposes. If, therefore, through stupidity or more or less conscious cowardice, those who should represent true charity approve here and there the dicta of the false, an incalculable evil may result. This evil is at times greater than that done by open persecutors, with whom evidently one can no longer have anything in common. - footnote, Ch 8: The True Nature of Christian Perfection

+ + + 

"Love is a teacher, but we must know how to acquire it, for it is hard to acquire... it is dearly bought... it is won slowly by long labor. For we must love, not occasionally, or for a moment, but forever. " - Dostoevsky: Fr. Zosima

I may be wrong of course.

I need to repent...

Thinking about the readings this morning...

It occurred to me that a truly repentant gay man - who led a very promiscuous life - could indeed be called by God to be a priest.  If he returned to the Church and reformed his life and renounced the lifestyle completely, he could be like the prodigal son in today's Gospel... clothed in priestly garments.  Perhaps that is Fr. Sirico and others like him?  Interestingly, Sirico never talks about his conversion and reformation and he remains a priest.  On the other hand, I can think of one famous penitent priest who talked about his dramatic conversion all of the time, yet he left the priesthood and apparently returned to the world.

I need to repent.

Yesterday something happened to me.  I went to confession instead of going to pray the rosary when I got to the church.  I left home early, hurried to accomplish an errand before I got to church for my hour with Our Lady before Mass.  On the way - I had a run in with a young woman.  Literally - I bumped her car ever so slightly while squeezing in to a tight parking spot.  No damage done - but she was very upset.  I was so startled by what I considered her over reaction that after being really nice about it, giving her all my information and so on, I tried to blow her off.  She then shouted at me - in tears, and I came to my senses.  I listened to her - really listened - and realized I had treated her with disrespect by trying to blow her off.  I was so shaken by my hardness of heart, that after everything was settled - I apologized and thanked her for her reprimand.

I abandoned my plans, went to church, and made my confession.  This woman broke through my self-righteousness, my smugness...  I can't adequately explain how deeply the encounter affected me.  It's an amazing thing to have one's conscience suddenly, unexpectedly revealed.  "If a good man reproves me, it is kindness," as the psalm affirms. 

I need to repent.

I came across a note I made in my book of the sayings of the desert fathers.  I had written:

The odd thing about Christians is how they turn around the commandments, 'Do not judge, do not condemn, and give without counting the cost' to argue on how and why they must judge, they must condemn, and how they need prudence and discretion in how and what they give.
 

And that is one of the ways I can become convinced of my own self-righteousness, while looking down on everyone else... even when I'm in the wrong.

I need to repent. 



Art: Prodigal Son, Giorgio de Chirico 

Devotion to the Blessed Sacrament

My adoration day has been switched to Thursdays, which in turn becomes my weekly day of recollection.  Today is also the traditional feast of Corpus Christi - although here it is celebrated on Sunday, for those who are not able to make it to Mass during the week.

Praying very much for the forgiveness of my sins and the grace to know the truth, as well as for all of you who read this blog, and those I have offended and alienated.   

Hating the sin, loving the sinner...

"Neither do I condemn you."
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Has anyone else noticed that women who go in for abortions, or have had an abortion are never reviled as murderers or adulterers, or referred to by any other pejorative term?  Women who submit to abortion, choose to abort, or have aborted a child are treated with great compassion, understanding, and care.  I think that is wonderful - I really do.  Sometimes I struggle to have compassion, but that is not to say that I do not have it - compassion and an openness to the possibility that a woman may not have been really all that 'free' in making such a terrible 'choice'.
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On the other hand, most Christians no longer blink at the thought of an unmarried woman carrying to term a baby - often the result of an unplanned pregnancy.  Sarah Palin's daughter was roundly applauded and encouraged, and rightly so - an abortion would be unthinkable.  Morality has changed from the old days when unwed mothers were hidden away and shamed.  Yes, that is a good thing.
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Are 'perverts' the exception to the rule?
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Is there one or two types of sinner one can freely condemn, abuse, deride, humiliate, and hate?  Yesterday I was reading a post on Ad Dominum blog which I found rather unsettling.  In fact, I felt convicted by it.  Thom posted about a friend who walked out of Mass during a homily because the priest began condemning homosexuals from the pulpit.
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"It was going fine until the sermon. The priest talked about the Holy Family for a bit, then how the institution of the family is being destroyed in these modern times, which is true. However he then proceeded to viciously castigate homosexuals – which he called perverts – for the blasphemy of same-sex marriage and the corruption of children. His tone was downright sinister – he sounded like Rush Limbaugh, with the cadence of a Baptist minister, spitting out the words. It may have been the tone of self-hatred. I don’t know.

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If he had said something like, “This is what the Church teaches. I understand some people have difficulty with that, and we love them and only want them to understand. But we cannot and will not change our position.” – That would have been fine. This was something entirely different...  After internally debating whether to stay and speak with Father, or leave, I stood up and walked out. Several others followed in silence." - Ad Dominum
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The "unarticulated desire for enduring truth and the absolute..."
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I realized how my former posts must read/sound when read by gay people.  I accept Church teaching completely as regards homosexuality and the call to holiness through chaste celibacy.  That is a grace I thank God for.  I haven't always expressed that in loving terms, much less allowing that some people cannot accept that teaching and go away sad - like the rich young man; others go away grumbling and angry - like those who could not accept Christ's teaching on the Eucharist; yet no matter their disposition, all go away wounded when charity is lacking... thus a smoldering wick may have been extinguished, a bruised reed broken, a seed on rocky ground crushed.
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Without casting any aspersions, it might be good for us to take to heart the words of the Holy Father spoken last week in his invitation to priests to use the Internet in the exercise of their pastoral ministry. 
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"In Saturday's message - titled "The priest and pastoral ministry in a digital world: new media at the service of the Word" - Benedict urged special care in contacts with other cultures and beliefs.
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A presence on the Web, "precisely because it brings us into contact with the followers of other religions, nonbelievers and people of every culture, requires sensitivity to those who do not believe, the disheartened and those who have a deep, unarticulated desire for enduring truth and the absolute," he said." - The Washington Post
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If I continue to blog I need to do so in charity. 
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Art: Chagall, "David and Bathsheba".  Today's first reading from Mass concerns David's sin with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah.