Gold Dust Woman
Gold Dust Woman
"My eyes sought him everywhere, but they did not see him; and I hated all places because he was not in them, because they could not say to me, 'Look, he is coming,' as they did when he was alive and absent." - St. Augustine
To suffer and be despised. - St. John of the Cross
Even when we deserve it - when our lies are all found out. Not only as the result of an examination of conscience, but even when our neighbor may convict us of some hidden sin. Perhaps an 'enemy' will call us out. Only when we are 'down and they're counting - When your secrets all found out...' . might we come to recognize our hidden faults. The upside of all of this is the favor those who accuse and despise us do for our souls. I often remind myself, even though it hurts at times: If a good man reproves me, it is kindness. As well as: Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. - Proverbs 27:6
From my hidden faults acquit me O Lord.
The Psalms tell the story - which is why they are so helpful for us to pray - not just recite. It is also why self-knowledge is so important for us at every stage of our life - it is a necessary part of our 'purgation' or purification.
Sin speaks to the sinner
in the depths of his heart
There is no fear of God
before his eyes.
He so flatters himself in his mind
that he knows not his guilt. - Ps. 36
"Sin speaks to the sinner in the depths of his heart ... he so flatters himself in his mind that he knows not his guilt." Like I said, we have an immense capacity for self delusion. Which is why it is so advantageous for us to allow ourselves to be taught, to be corrected, even to be despised.
It is the Holy Spirit who convinces us and the world concerning sin, righteousness and judgement.
It's important to remember that the Lord accompanies us in and through these meditations in the deepest recesses of the cell of self-knowledge, as St. Catherine might say. He was there when we knew not our sins and he is there when we uncover them, as it were. We need to understand this so as not to get discouraged, even though we can say:
My sins so overcome me,
so that I can no longer see.
They are more numerous than the hairs of my head;
my courage fails me. - Ps. 40
We need to trust in the Divine Mercy, as we struggle to 'lay aside every encumbrance of sin which clings to us'. Confidence and love.
O Eternal Word, Word of my God, I want to spend my life in listening to You, to become wholly teachable that I may learn all from You. Then, through all nights, all voids, all helplessness, I want to gaze on You always and remain in Your great light. O my beloved Star, so fascinate me that I may not withdraw from Your radiance. - Prayer of Bl. Elizabeth of the Trinity
I've been trying to get back to writing, but I never do, save for blurbs on Facebook which I inevitably remove. The blog here requires too much time - so I tell myself.
I've let lots of commentary slip away, pretty much simply observing what goes on and reading differing opinions to somehow get to the truth of things - or the reality behind the theories and hearsay. It's kind of amazing how easy it is to just let controversie come and go, without any need to comment. Watching while several inch closer and closer to virtual schism upon schism. Most recently, a monastery of Discalced nuns transferred all their assets to a lay board of directors (how Teresian), jumped ship and signed on with the SSPX. Most likely thanks to Vigano fear mongering about Cor Orans and 'supression' of the Latin Mass. Awesomely misguided.
Although, I dare to say attitudes like that exist in my archdiocese - I'm sure. Especially since my support for Pope Francis and his reforms is so well known, not a few of my friends have suddenly gone silent and I've no contact with those I corresponded with on a regular basis, via phone or email. The religious among them have definitely stepped away, one or two making sarcastic comments about the blog. Though subtle, it was enough to discourage my continuing to document my experiences and observations - which is always a good way for me to sort things out - writing helps me think - or know what I think. One fellow implied I was attempting spiritual direction here. That has never been my intent.
I expect my criticism over the years may have hit home with a few. One priest, also a client told me he liked what I wrote but told me I was wrong about a few things - I have no doubt I misspoke on many occasions. Sadly, he never told me what I was wrong about. I know I've always had strong opinions on start-up religious orders and their peculiarities, as well as my agreement with the Pope on the need for oversight and accountability, so I try not to discuss those things publicly anylonger, hence my neglect of the blog.
I do want to say that it seems to me the so-called crisis in the Church, especially as it concerns Vatican II, the Liturgical reforms and the renewal of religious life, reminds me of Job's trial of faith. Last week the first readings at Mass were from the Book of Job. It seems to me those critics of the Pope, especially his bishops and priests, are not only acting like Job's friends, but in the meantime, they/we are missing an opportunity to follow the example of Job, when he was afflicted and everything was taken from him. How do we not see the Lord's hand in all of this? It is His Church after all.
Is there any faith left on earth?
and that no purpose of yours can be hindered.
I have spoken but did not understand;
things too marvelous for me, which I did not know.a
I will question you, and you tell me the answers.”
but now my eye has seen you.*
and repent in dust and ashes. - Job 42
Finally!
The DDF is acting. Vigano has wreaked so much havoc and animosity among Catholics, this action is necessary. He has misled priests, bishops, cloistered nuns and traditionalist Catholics. He's contaminated the Catholic collective consciousness with his venomous attacks against the Pope, the Magisterium, Vatican II and especially the Liturgical Rites of the Church, Holy Mass in particular. This indictment arrives none too soon. Praise God.
BTW, Denying an Ecumenical Council is an act of Schism.
I've been posting on FB long enough.
No matter what I post there, be it personal or commentary on current events in the Church and the world, I manage to upset someone or draw mockery - especially from Catholics who can be incredibly hostile and blind to goodness. So I post and add commentary, only to remove it. I still keep the posts because it's a convenient archive for when I return to blogging. That time is now.
Yesterday I remembered my dad's birthday and noted how my feelings have changed about him, as well as sorrow for my holding a grudge against him. I was documenting a kind of breakthrough in my relationship with him, yes - after all of these years. I was thinking of writing more.
Then my brother intrudes with a rebuke that I always bring up the past and tells me to stop. It was exactly the type of response I used to get from my parents, my older brother and his friends. It was how they reacted to my attempts at painting, writing - even the books I read. It was then and is now dismissive and disrespectful, despite their 'good intentions'.
It's why I moved away from home, from family, from the neighborhood. It's why I'm back here on the blog
I have a project, which will never be finished, but which I must continue to work on, to document until I'm no longer able to do so.
It’s not that you don’t love them anymore.
You’re trying to remember something
too important to forget.
Trees. The monastery bell at twilight.
Tell them you have a new project.
It will never be finished.
When someone recognizes you in a grocery store
nod briefly and become a cabbage.
When someone you haven’t seen in ten years
appears at the door,
don’t start singing him all your new songs.
You will never catch up.
- Naomi Shiab Nye
Final notes
I've been trying to get back to writing and commentary, but as I let events and controversies pass, I've come to the conclusion my writing is all very inconsequential.
I've imagined attempting to sum up my thoughts, to finish this or that narrative, but I am perfectly content to leave all of that unfinished, incomplete, as it were.
I also no longer have much to say. So many people online are disoriented and misled. I'm appalled at how many Catholics have turned against Pope Francis, while so many in our country continue to support Trump, are pro-Putin and superstitiously anticipating ridiculous developments based upon an eclipse of the sun, associated QAnon myths and private revelations. There is no way to discuss any of that seriously.
I might add, that since Darold died, I've become even more solitary, save for family visits now and then. I've been letting things and acquaintances go, so to speak.
So, I don't expect to be posting anything except perhaps my latest painting - and that mostly on the art blog.
We'll see.
I'm just not writing as much, yet I still keep scrolling online. Learning not to respond or react so fast and keeping my opinion to myself. But I still want to sum up a few matters. So we'll see.