I have to try to figure things out.

Be patient with me, Lord.

I have tried very hard to understand what is going on and I have tried to be charitable and accepting ... especially of myself.  I know I've been wrong about many things, too trusting and all of that.  I feel like a sheep without a shepherd, and no one is calling my name.  Maybe I don't recognize their voice, or worse maybe I don't want to.

I need to try and figure out what is happening.

I wonder if our times are simply more like the 11th century rather than the 'Great Apostasy' or the final 'end times'?  I was reading an older article in CWR on The Book of Gomorrah and thought it must be more like the 11th century than anything else.

This is one of the most interesting and relevant aspects of the book for the modern reader. Damian sees “sodomitic vice” as not only including homosexual acts (which he holds to be the most grievous kind of sodomy) but any form of sexual perversion, which notably includes contraception and masturbation, which he regards as closely related. In chapter four he notes that God “struck Onan, the son of Jude, with an untimely death because of this nefarious offense,” that is, spilling his seed upon the ground rather than completing the sexual act in the natural way.

I believe that by placing contraception and masturbation under the heading of “sodomy” Damian is recognizing a truth that seems to be all but completely forgotten among Catholics today, and that is that the sexual revolution and the rise of the social acceptance of unnatural sexual behavior is rooted in a contraceptive mentality that divorces the sexual act from its natural procreative purpose, and tends to make it into an act of selfish, narcissistic lust. Given the almost universal acceptance of contraception in our society, is it surprising that we have become so numb and unconcerned about the rise of more perverse forms of the same fundamental vice, and even applaud them? - Matthew Cullinan Hoffman

Today may be much worse because men in the Church promote sodomy as a virtue, not a vice - hence the general confusion and falling away.  I've been rather dismissive of that.  One must be careful lest one lose one's soul.

The reason it is important to me to figure this out should be obvious, though the damage has been done.

Fixing a hole.

Splinters and beams.

Minding my own business ...

I came across a comment on another blog by a writer I've encountered in the past.  The person declared some things about how he is privately consecrated to Christ and needs no other mediators to go to Him.  The post dealt with the idea of total consecration to Our Lady according to St. Louis De Montfort.  Naturally not every devotion is suited to everyone and there is no rule one has to embrace the devotion of total consecration, however, the way in which this fellow made his point struck me as bordering on presumption and maybe just slightly lacking in humility.  I may have been wrong in my perception of course, but I had also seen comments by the same person in the past complaining he wasn't accepted in this or that traditional religious community for whatever reason.

As I mentioned, I am familiar with this fellow's writing and he is a very solid, faithful Catholic, completely orthodox, if you will - although at times a little censorious towards those who may not share his convictions.

I wondered if his problem might be a lack of docility?  Since he seems to be convinced of his own self-righteousness - in a good way of course: he's doing everything right, he seeks God alone, he wants union with God, and so on.  However, some people like that are hard to admit into religious life precisely because they can be quite convinced they are much advanced and deeply spiritual already, thus they are quite secure and believe they are even able to teach others.  They forget that the man who keeps his own counsel can fall into error, or at least presumption... the worst kind of self-righteousness.  St. John of the Cross counselled, "Allow yourself to be taught, allow yourself to receive orders..." (#112) ... considering that we are called always to grow in wisdom, grace and knowledge.

I can convince myself I'm just fine in the spiritual, moral life.  More often than not, I have trouble allowing myself to be taught, to receive orders, to even be despised.  I think many are like that.  Many of us do not receive correction very well.  Many of us do not receive criticism very well.  We ignore the Psalmist who says, "If a good man rebukes me it is kindness."  Oftentimes we do it because the one correcting us doesn't seem to have the authority to do so.  He might be a layman or a religious, but he might not be a priest, or someone in authority over us - so we discount him.  His education may not be what we expect it should be.  He may not even be religious.  In other words, he's just not qualified.  In addition, he has no idea how orthodox and faithful we are, much less the sacrifices we have made to get where we are.  We become convinced of our own self-righteousness - which enables us to look down upon everyone else.

Sometimes we can be right of course - but that doesn't make us paragons of virtue or right living.



I have to go now.  I have snow to remove.

I'll try to pick this up later.

Looking down on others and secret pride.

While pretending to be concerned about the faith of others...

Today, while skimming blogs I normally don't read, and com boxes, that thought occurred to me.   Thus, I'm reminded of this quote once again:

"In aridity and emptiness the soul becomes humble. Former pride disappears when a man no longer finds in himself anything that might cause him to look down on others." - Science of the Cross

Which is why it is better not to see, as Therese said.  Faith.

Will I never learn?  Will I never learn to mind my own backyard?  Will I always pick at others?

Do we pick at others and feign concern for what others may think because we are dissatisfied with something about ourselves?  Do we envy because we do not get what we want?  Do we imagine ourselves to be standing firm, stable in the faith and in our life?  Do we think we have anything that is not a gift?    

This morning's meditation from Magnificat was magnificent ...  

Detachment from spiritual gifts and privileges - spiritual directors know what these words mean!  People must be prepared to start over again at the beginning, without relying on anything but the pure love of the Father...

Otherwise...

Gifts can become a kind of security and lead to pride and a feeling of superiority. [...] Perhaps this is the most urgent kind of conversion for some of us to stop leveraging our past experiences, our charisms, and our service to a group ... and to start over at the beginning, with God alone as our treasure. - Fr. Cantalamessa, O.F.M. Cap.

Chinese lady say:

"No understand what I say,

not for you, Nina."