I live yet no true life I know...
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This morning while praying for Fr. Harvey, I found myself reminiscing over the days that led to my meeting with him in NYC at St. Michael's rectory back in the 1980's. Fr. Harvey had very good insight into the psychology of same sex attraction and the addictive elements frequently associated with the behavior. I think he was delighted to discover I understood as much as I did. As I am now, at the time I was very much into John of the Cross, and appreciated the Saint's analogy of Samson to the soul enslaved by sin; his eyes gouged out, blindly grinding at the grist in his bondage. The allusion John of the Cross makes to Samson relates very well to the Catholic view of addiction.
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That said, I couldn't avoid recalling how deeply difficult the struggle against sin has been at times - just as it is for millions of others of course - I know I'm not so special in that regard. Samson has remained quite a good metaphor nevertheless. Today I reflected on how even in his last stance, situated between the two support columns of the temple, mustering all of his strength and with the grace of God, he brought the entire edifice down upon the assembly. It seemed to me that even in this aspect, Samson's actions can be somewhat analogous to one's personal conversion process. Sometimes our struggle may become so intense, our unwillingness to compromise so resolute, we bring the whole house down upon ourselves and even those around us - perhaps even our companions and friends...
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Ah - how many times I have done that. How many times all of my structures and supports have collapsed around me and in the apparent chaos, even upon those closest to me, not excluding myself of course... and if anyone could have survived, they in turn have fled. "My friends avoid me like a leper; those closest to me stand afar off."
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Ah... I die because I do not die.
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(I closed comments for this one because only a few may understand it - and I expect even fewer would receive it well.)