Friday, September 14, 2012

A Modern Faierie Tale: The enchanted, naked monk and the mystical berry-laden vine in the forest...

Are those berries I see in yonder bush?

nce there was a kindly young monk who decided to go into the forest and live as a hermit - for just a very short time, mind you - perhaps just long enough to get a taste of the experience to write a best selling book with movie rights. 

Now the monk, being a prudent fellow, prepared carefully for his retreat, packing provisions of food and drink, taking along a tent to act as his hermitage, as well as extra clothes for warmth and protection - not forgetting bug spray and a first aid kit.  Changing from his habit to sleek spandex biking shorts, with biker slippers and a bright skinny top, crowned with the latest bike helmet, the monk mounted his all-terrain-state-of-the-art bike and set off, into the woods - to live a solitary life in holy poverty and rigorous asceticism...

Into the woods!

he forest was immense, and dark, covered by the ancient canopy of giant trees of fir and spruce, oak and beech.  In the clefts of the rocks the holy monk came upon elves, carving wooden statues of saints, while others seemed to be making cuckoo clocks.  The monk was startled to discover that the elves cast a spell on the cuckoos and petrified them, rather than carving facsimiles from wood.  "Why all the donate signs?" The monk wondered.  "These gyrovagues request donations for bird feed, and yet they petrify their birds?"  The monk shook his head, congratulating himself that he is going to live a poor life as a hermit, hidden away in the woods - no Internet access, no outside contact whatsoever.

All alone in nature...

oving along, the monk made it to a small clearing overlooking the tree tops and there set up his hermitage.  Thrilled by the vista, in the distance he could see the sun just beginning to set.  Afraid that he would be eaten alive by mosquitoes, the adventurous monk removed all of his clothes to apply the non-aerosol spray bug-repellent, all over his body.  Once covered, the monk felt slightly nauseous and took some benadryl for his allergies and Tylenol for his aching limbs from biking for so long, on top of that, he took an ibuprofen for the headache caused by the bug spray.  He opened his flask of schnapps to wash down the meds, quite confident the alcohol wouldn't interfere with his earlier dose of anti-depressants.  Then it was that he noticed a patch of delicious looking berries, and feeling hungry, he picked some and ate them. 

Suddenly, out of the brush, a fox appeared and said, "You should have eaten the food in your provisions, since the berries you found so delectible are toxic and soon you will begin to feel disoriented and hallucinate all sorts of strange things - such as talking foxes and fairies and elves making clocks and carving statues - that kind of stuff."

"What did you say, Mr. Fox?"  Asked the incredulous monk weaving to and fro over a rock he thought was the fox dressed up like his grand mama.  Then, in the distance, the monk thought he heard music... disco music.  Off he went, looking for the bar, as the berries made him thirsty - but he was naked as a Jay-bird - although he imagined that he was covered in foliage, like the green men of the forest. 

However, the next day a hiker found the naked monk wandering near the edge of the forest.  It soon became clear the poor monk had accidentally eaten poisonous berries... The rest of the story is related here, without embellishment, I might add:
 The hiker called police in Unterwössen, a Bavarian town right near the Austrian border, after he spotted the naked, scraped-up man staggering around in the woods.

The mysterious man declined the do-gooder hiker's help, but when police came they found him disoriented and cold and hospitalized him.

It was discovered there that the man was a monk from a nearby town, Traunstein, on a camping trip by bicycle.

After accidentally eating poisonous berries, he had had hallucinations and partial paralysis, wandered off and couldn't find his way back to his tent.

The monk survived without any serious health problems, and police credited the hiker who found him with helping to ensure he didn't suffer any more than he did. - News Source
The moral of the story?  If you go into the forest to be a hermit, maybe bring along your cell phone and lap top like the others do.  And just say no to drugs and alcohol.  Oh, and keep your clothes on.  Then, if you can't ask for donations, maybe your online forest friends can do it for you.


1 comment:

  1. that's hysterical. wait ... where's servus?


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