Perhaps a sea-change...

Full fathom five thy father lies:

Of his bones are coral made:

Those are pearls that were his eyes:

Nothing of him that doth fade

But doth suffer a sea-change

Into something rich and strange.

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Yesterday I was surprised to see my name - me - outed as SSA, chaste-gay, gay-Catholic, and so on.  The sites who identified me in this manner are friendly sites and they are friendly writers, and they acted in good faith.  It goes without question the editors just assumed.  How often I have done likewise!  So I repeat, they acted in good faith and without malice, and I am just fine with that.  In fact, it was providential.  Although I did contact one site and asked that the link the editor provided be reworded because it could be misleading to people who do not know me.  Truth be told, in the past, other readers, along with some friends, have told me my blog is obvious - just reading the text and viewing the photos seems to reveal my 'sexual orientation'.  I have no control over what other people think of me, or the opinions they form of who or what I am.
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That said, I'm none of the above.  I don't know how to express it very well at all.  There is a prayer St. Francis of Assisi was heard to utter in ecstasy, crying out, "O God!  Who are you, and what am I?"  It is a favorite prayer of mine when I sometimes experience the presence of God, a prayer intermixed with aspirations of love.
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What am I?
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I am a man.  I am a single man.  I have always been happy that I am male.  I do what other men do, I eat and sleep and work and play and so on.  I'm a sinful man.  My sins are more numerous than the hairs on my head, as the psalmist says.  They are more varied and malicious than mere sins of the flesh.  They are deeper than any passing 'attraction'.
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I do not, cannot, identify myself as being anything other than a man, a male human being, created by God.  I may be a penitent, but I'm not a recovering anything.  I'm not a recovering alcoholic.  I'm not a recovering dissident.  I'm not a recovering ssa person or an ex-gay, or ex-sex addict.  Neither am I a survivor, or a victim, or anyone 'special'.  I am not so easily defined, so easily branded, so easily and conveniently limited and disabled by such labels and socio-politico mistaken identities.  I am an ordinary man.  A Christian man.  A Roman Catholic man.
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Unfortunately, after yesterday, many people will assume the blog is a gay blog - a gay-chaste-Catholic-ssa blog maybe - but still a 'gay' blog.  Hence, the blog is no longer relevant.  It is a place few will  want to be associated with, identified with - because it has been defined, labeled, categorized, and inventoried, and neatly put on the shelf.  By people who never knew me.
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I'm sure I'll be called homophobic and self-hating after this post - just as I have been for the last 6 years I have written this web-log.  So be it - like I said, I cannot control what other people think.  Believe me when I tell you, I do not even mind being called homophobic, and I will admit that I am in the sense that I hate homosexual acts - homosex.  A friend asked me last week, in a comment on another post, how I viewed myself in relation to ssa people.  I removed my answer - with his permission - because I felt it was indiscreet as it touched upon spiritual graces and insights, which generally are better kept to oneself.  In view of what happened yesterday, I decided to re post the comment and answer, which I will include here.
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Question:

My question, then, is: you seem to separate yourself from "the gays," and "those who struggle." You seem to write from an "outside looking in" perspective, even when at other times you contradict that notion by emphasizing your innate familiarity with the issues at hand. So, then, do you personally struggle with this, or have you evolved to a place where you no longer consider yourself as anything but heterosexual, scrubbed clean of any lingering hangups?

More directly: are you self-examining, or on the outside peering in?

Answer:  (Edited slightly for greater accuracy.)

That's a good and fair question. I'm not sure how to answer it. As for self examining - I've been self examining all of my life - day in and day out. I'm definitely not on the outside peering in. And right up front, I will say that 'it' is a very difficult struggle, but no one gets through life without suffering. I am different - I realize that every day as I read other blogs. I just don't consider myself special.

One can never say one has arrived and surprisingly I don't at all separate myself from gay people - nor do I from heterosexual people. I just no longer understand myself as limited to that identity, and frankly, though I get along with friends who are gay, I no longer identify as closely with them either. That's a complicated and easily misunderstood statement however - but it's the best I can offer at the moment.

I would like to make very clear however, that I genuinely consider 'dissident' gay-Catholics - you know what I mean by that description - to be Catholic. Just like I consider a Nancy Pelosi or Joe Biden to be Catholic - once baptized always a Catholic. Even if they would be excommunicated - even then they are Catholic - only not in good standing - not in communion with the Church. I can judge and not approve of their conduct, but I cannot judge their soul. So, since no one has condemned them in that way, or barred them from Communion - I continue to consider them to be Catholic, and as far as I understand it, Catholics in good faith - until the proper authority decides otherwise.

As St. Paul or St. Edith Stein couldn't separate themselves from the Jews- likewise I do not see myself any better or worse than the most dissident gay Catholic. I sound the way I do, using they and them and so on, because I don't buy into the gay mentality per se - I don't approve of homosexual behavior. To be honest, I find the sexual behavior repulsive, and truth be told, some behaviors I have always considered repulsive and disgusting.

To be frank, I have struggled with these issues for many years, but around 12 years ago I experienced a wonderful grace and gift of freedom of spirit as regards sexual sin. The temptations seemed to decrease in intensity, although they never went away of course, but I was able - through sheer, undeserved grace, to put them in perspective, or cope with them in peace. Likewise, I experienced a certain freedom from objectifying others as sexual beings and was able to move beyond lusting after the body of another - which I understood as a form of idolatry and covetousness.  

Temptations never go away - thank God - nor should they.  It seems to me Our Lord has taught me how to deal with them - or not, by which I mean, suffering through them. In fact I often seem to notice an increase when I pray for others.  Again - I do not believe the 'sufferings' are any greater than those suffered by ordinary people.  As a matter of fact, I think the sense of extraordinary suffering experienced by ssa persons is often due to their disappointment in their failures and that they are not made perfect overnight, and that the temptations do not somehow disappear.  That is an error sometimes referred to as 'angelism'.

Interestingly, in the spiritual life, when one spiritual battle seems to have been overcome - or a particular vice seems to be at least in retreat, another soon follows - so it seems to me. I've learned that temptations take different forms. The world and the flesh and the devil are very seductive, so we are never safe. We are always tempted at our weakest point in novel ways.

So the answer to your question must be 'no' - I'm not scrubbed clean of lingering hang ups and I'm not on the outside peering in. I'm your friend and your brother - and I'm in the very same boat as you. - Original source

Art:  The Tempest, Felix Nussbaum