Sorry I'm late with these.

New Year Resolutions.

.

I'm going to lose weight, get a hair transplant, a nose job, an eye lift, and breast reduction surgery.

.

I'm going to find a way to be always drunk without weight gain.

.

I'm going to start an online talk show called "Up Your Street" - after I heal from the surgery of course.

.

I'm going to finish my tell-all book about my life, including details of my torrid affair with Gilbert Gottfried.

.

I'm going to sell my Mercedes and buy a Honda - out of concern for the poor who have to take the bus.

.

And most importantly, I will never tell a lie again - ever.