Just some memories. (I think I'm being way too schmaltzie today. SEE! See what this time of year does to grown men!)
Later that day (the day he died, the anniversary of which is today.) I was alone at home. I played McCartney. Specifically "Monk-berry Moon Delight" over and over. Not for the lyrics, but for the nostalgia of the melody. I was angry with my brother dying like that, yet so sad that he died.
I was furious with my dad - whom I blamed for his death, and who would die one year later. (I must hasten to add, I no longer blame him though.)
Then I drove and drove, listening to the same song, hitting rewind and replay every time. I was so empty - feeling so alone. I had no one to prove myself to any longer. (See how selfish I am - it's always about me. Although - when someone dies - it is just you - you're left behind...)
I reacted in the same fashion when my friend Jim died - the first of our friends to die - he was Donna's boyfriend for a while; I drove and drove, replaying Abbey Road, over and over. Angry that Jim moved away and thought I was nuts for returning to the Catholic Church - yet suddenly he was dead. I later painted a Frida style 'Pieta' of him - it was the only way I could deal with his death. It's ugly - it hangs in my basement now - I'll probably burn it one day. (Actually I put myself in the Madonna's place, and it's just that I'm ugly.)
I digress - nevertheless, somehow I connected the two deaths.
When my dad died, of the same alcoholic causes as Skip, nearly a year later, I did the same thing - I played the same song over and over - in memorial to Skip, and not so much my Dad. I mourned him much later, when I realized he did the best he could. (Kids eventually have to understand that about their parents.)
The world should stop for a moment when someone you love dies - yet that would be the end of the world wouldn't it - because someone is dying all the time.
'Monk-berry-moon-delight' means absolutely nothing - I never got the lyrics, except these made an impression:
"Catch up! (catch up),
Don't get left behind (get left behind)...
Monkberry moon delight...Monkberry moon delight..." - McCartney
It was really the music, that plaintiff tone I listened to.
After they died, I had to grow up on my own. A son and a younger brother always tries to measure up somehow, and after they were gone, I had to find my own measure. I still get kind of p-ssed about that however.
Hopefully this post may explain to some why I'm incommunicado of late, as well as sort of a Scrooge about holiday stuff - you know who you are...
(By the way - Jim hated "Ram" - I don't care Jim! It was a 'fun' album - even if Linda McCartney did those awful background vocals. Jim also made fun of me because I was a huge fan of Jim Morrison. He loved the "Moody Blues" and I thought they were tiresome..."Knights In White Satin" - how gay is that! Pray for Jim, I never had Masses said for him - I must do that!)
May they all rest in peace! :-)