See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient with it until it receives the early and the late rains. - James 5:7

Sunday, December 10, 2006

After Skip - "Ram On!"


Just some memories. (I think I'm being way too schmaltzie today. SEE! See what this time of year does to grown men!)
Later that day (the day he died, the anniversary of which is today.) I was alone at home. I played McCartney. Specifically "Monk-berry Moon Delight" over and over. Not for the lyrics, but for the nostalgia of the melody. I was angry with my brother dying like that, yet so sad that he died.
I was furious with my dad - whom I blamed for his death, and who would die one year later. (I must hasten to add, I no longer blame him though.)
Then I drove and drove, listening to the same song, hitting rewind and replay every time. I was so empty - feeling so alone. I had no one to prove myself to any longer. (See how selfish I am - it's always about me. Although - when someone dies - it is just you - you're left behind...)
I reacted in the same fashion when my friend Jim died - the first of our friends to die - he was Donna's boyfriend for a while; I drove and drove, replaying Abbey Road, over and over. Angry that Jim moved away and thought I was nuts for returning to the Catholic Church - yet suddenly he was dead. I later painted a Frida style 'Pieta' of him - it was the only way I could deal with his death. It's ugly - it hangs in my basement now - I'll probably burn it one day. (Actually I put myself in the Madonna's place, and it's just that I'm ugly.)
I digress - nevertheless, somehow I connected the two deaths.
When my dad died, of the same alcoholic causes as Skip, nearly a year later, I did the same thing - I played the same song over and over - in memorial to Skip, and not so much my Dad. I mourned him much later, when I realized he did the best he could. (Kids eventually have to understand that about their parents.)
The world should stop for a moment when someone you love dies - yet that would be the end of the world wouldn't it - because someone is dying all the time.
'Monk-berry-moon-delight' means absolutely nothing - I never got the lyrics, except these made an impression:
"Catch up! (catch up),
....
Don't get left behind (get left behind)...
Monkberry moon delight...Monkberry moon delight..." - McCartney
It was really the music, that plaintiff tone I listened to.
After they died, I had to grow up on my own. A son and a younger brother always tries to measure up somehow, and after they were gone, I had to find my own measure. I still get kind of p-ssed about that however.
Hopefully this post may explain to some why I'm incommunicado of late, as well as sort of a Scrooge about holiday stuff - you know who you are...
(By the way - Jim hated "Ram" - I don't care Jim! It was a 'fun' album - even if Linda McCartney did those awful background vocals. Jim also made fun of me because I was a huge fan of Jim Morrison. He loved the "Moody Blues" and I thought they were tiresome..."Knights In White Satin" - how gay is that! Pray for Jim, I never had Masses said for him - I must do that!)
May they all rest in peace! :-)

3 comments:

  1. I don't like all the MB music- but I love I Know You're Out There Somewhere & Once Upon a Time:) The lead singer has a nice voice. I also like Air Supply (anything with a decent harmony- LOVE ABBA:)!

    Please stop laughing:p

    Anywayz, IMO you have done well, as you know where/Who to go to give thanks, & for help-

    &, if you had to do it all over again, with or without the same players, I'm guessing you'd choose 'with'.

    That said, our lives do explain a lot when it comes to how our experiences have contributed to the way we are- thankfully we know to forgive those who have trespassed against us no matter who they are. Then, we are left with ourselves, & how to handle & use the unfortunate experiences to understand others whose unfortunate experiences we may not be aware of yet- especially when they too trespass against us.

    I always try to remember not to take grumpiness personally.

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  2. I was really kidding about the Moody Blues - I actually liked a lot of their stuff - in short doses.
    I'm so sorry about Abba! :)
    And yeah, alls forgiven with theothers - the dead people - especially parents - gosh, I'm their son.

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  3. Where is COOL UNCLE TERRY?4:05 PM

    Me: My Dear Uncle:
    Conscience: My neglecting uncle you mean.
    Me: Roll Model
    Conscience: Yeah right, Roll model he never comes around.
    Me: He’s busy, but still loves us.
    Conscience: Come on if he loved you he would at least visit!
    Me: Sometimes when people care for you they show it in different ways?
    Conscience: I can’t imagine how Uncle Terry and Mom feel after losing their brother.
    Me: Selfishly maybe we’ll see Uncle Terry more (he used to use his brother as an excuse not to show up; as Skip would shower us with gifts to hide his depression), and this will bring us all closer together?
    Conscience: You are selfish and no it won’t, stop trying to force him into your life!
    Me: Todd, Todd Todd…but He is the Coolest……….
    Conscience: Wow how delusional can you be; he didn’t even show up for you wedding you IDIOT!
    Me: He made a promise to me at Easter that he would be there, why wouldn’t he come?
    Conscience: Like I said he doesn’t care about you or your family.
    Me: He really doesn’t care that were around.
    Conscience: FNALLY YOU GET IT LEAVE HIM ALONE!
    Me: I will; no more contact with that selfish @#$!@$!
    Conscience: WOW you are really starting to understand this adult stuff, good job no stop feeling sorry for yourself.
    Me: I wonder what Uncle Terry has been up to?
    Conscience: WHO CARES
    Me: I do…….do I?
    Conscience: There you go again…good luck!
    Me: I am so proud of my new so I think I will share with Uncle Terry and maybe extend the “olive branch”
    Conscience: IDIOT you will never learn!!!
    Me: We’ll see about that, no pressure just want to show Terry what he is missing.
    Conscience: Whatever!
    Me: WOW I received a reply from Terry YIPPIE! What a FABULOUS DAY!
    Conscience: Delusion my friend Delusion……..
    Me: Oh well I would rather live with Rose Colored glasses than not be in contact with my on my few Uncle’s now being one and have Jackson Family is life!
    Conscience: Maybe I was wrong….
    Me: Well see 

    God Bless You Terry and thank you so much for remembering Skip in such a loving way! I miss him so much and miss you even more, knowing you are just a few minutes away and I don’t even know you anymore! Terry I hoep you have a great Christmas and New year! Much Love and admiration Todd!

    P.S. The aforementioned is a conical of the past 15+ years……and is only intended for Humor and not reality 

    P.S.S. Conscience: Hope I don’t get in trouble for plagiarism…..!

    P.S.S.S. This rambling dissertation may or may not make sense; it has been a long day.

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